Nothing to Read Here

Every day when I leave work, I have to swipe my parking card to open the mechanical gate that separates me from freedom.  I’m pretty good about putting the card in the same spot so I always know where it is, but sometimes it slides around when I’m competing in rally racing (I have a Subaru) or evading the authorities (I’m a badass).  The other night, the card was not in its normal spot.  When I got to the attendant I explained that I couldn’t find my card and the following conversation took place:

Parking Attendant:  Sorry sir, if you can’t find the card, you’ll have to pay $6 to exit.

Me:  Okay, I’m going to get out of the car and see if it slipped under the seat, just let me know if someone is pulling up behind me, I don’t want to hold up the line.

Parking Attendant:  No problem sir, take your time.

(30 seconds passed before I found it under the front passenger seat)

Me:  Got it.

Parking Attendant:  Great.  Have a nice evening.

Totally normal conversation.  It certainly didn’t prepare me for what happened next.  In my rearview mirror, I saw the attendent step out of his both, walk into the middle of the roadway, put his hands on his knees and violently projectile vomit.  We’re talking SNL skit or Exorcist level spewing.   I was about to stop and check on him, when he stood straight up and calmly walked back to the booth without any signs of discomfort or embarassment.  No big deal.  It was as if he just walked out to have a smoke or water the plants.  Wait, maybe he was watering the plants… with his vomit.

In 1984, Karate Kid instantly became one of my favorite movies.  I Absolutely loved it and still do.  Thanks to Karate Kid, I can block a punch to the chest if I just “wax on, wax off.”  I know that any injury can be cured if I rub my hands together really fast and slap the damaged body part.  Don’t get me started on the acting.  Did you know that Pat Morita was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of Mr. Miyagi.  No joke.

So when I learned that someone recently decided to remake KK, I cringed a little.  Now that I’ve learned more about the new film and the changes they’ve made, I am rooting for a complete and epic fail.  Here’s how I imagine the conversation to green light the new Karate Kid went…

Producer:  We want to re-make Karate Kid.

Studio Exec:  I love it.  The KK franchise has made us a ton of money of the years.  So who’s going to play Daniel Laruso?

Producer: Actually, we’re changing it up a bit, the kid’s name is going to be Dre.

Studio Exec:  Sounds urban.  Inner city youth battles gangs with Karate?

Producer:  Not exactly. We got Will Smith’s kid to play Dre, but he’s only eleven, so that’s a little young to be fighting gangs.

Studio Exec:  Okay, but we’re still in the inner city, right?

Producer:  Actually, I’ve never been to China, so I just thought we’d shoot it there.

Studio Exec:  Cool.  But isn’t Kung Fu the main martial art in China.  Shouldn’t the movie be named Kung Fu kid?

Producer:  Nobody will catch that.

Studio Exec:  You’re probably right.  So who’s going to play Miyagi?  Casting will be key.  I mean, Morita was nominated for an Oscar in the original.

Producer:  Remember, we’re in China, so its going to be Mr. Han and we’ve got Jackie Chan all locked up.

Studio Exec.:  China.  Right.  I love Jackie Chan, but he can’t act and he really doesn’t even speak English.  I’m guessing he’s not going to bring an Oscar worthy performance.

Producer:  No Jackie will not be getting any Oscar nods.  Ever.

Studio Exec.:  Well is he still going to teach Dre important life and spiritual lessons through the art of Kung Fu (Karate)?

Producer:  No, but the kid is going to accidentally kick Jackie in the face a few times and Jackie does this hillarious thing where he rubs his nose and makes a funny face.

Studio Exec:  Can we get the kid to kick him in the balls?

Producer:  Done.

Studio Exec:   One more thought.  Vampires are hot right now, can we make Han a vampire?

Producer:  You got it.  Let’s make a picture.

Okay, I may be reaching a little on the vampire idea, but I’m pretty sure the rest of the conversation took place.  Is it going to be as bad as I think?

A  few weeks ago, I was able to sneak into the Breeders’ Cup (horse racing) press party at L.A. live.  It was a pretty nice set up.  Free food, free cocktails and a shitty band.  Why would I list a shitty band amongst all the good stuff?  Because a shitty band has the potential to become transcendently shitty.  Transcendently shitty = unintentional comedy gold.

So after a couple cocktails, I made my way outside as the band was taking the stage.  Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for… Band From TV.  Never heard of them?  I hadn’t either.  Apparently, they’re a band comprised solely of television stars.  Matt Parkman (Heroes) on drums, Dr. Chase (House) on the rock fiddle, some dude from Desperate Housewives on guitar, Bob from the Bachelorette on lead vocals and I think ALF was on bass.  They managed to pull off a couple of decent covers, but mainly dedicated their time to butchering songs from current artists and a few classics.   On a scale of excellent to shitty, I would say they were crappy and I was starting to get bored.  Then something magical happened.   

Parkman announced that earlier in the day, via twitter,  he had invited a friend to help and that friend was about to take over on vocals. Ladies and Gentleman… The Commish aka The Thing.  That’s right, Michael Chiklis.  He started with a horrible Beatles cover and then proceeded to engage in some of the worst crowd banter I’ve ever seen/heard.  It was just uncomfortable.  He rambled for a little bit about horses, then he told us how his hometown Boston crowds get more involved at concerts, that they really know how to rock.  That’s when he threw down the gauntlet and dared the L.A. crowd to rock as hard as they could.  The crowd rose with fists in the air, ready to explode just as Band From TV launched into… Mustang Sally.  Really Commish?  I wasn’t expecting Metallica or Rage Against the Machine, but you have to come with more than Mustang Sally if you are going to play the rock card.  Why not The Sounds of Silence or The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald? 

When they finished the song, Chiklis left the stage.  That was his big finale.  I replayed the whole thing in my head.  Was he serious?  I’m pretty sure he was.  He honestly believed he was going to melt our faces with the raw power of Mustang Sally.  Pure unintentional comedy gold.  Pretty spectacular evening.

My parents have lived in the same house for almost 25 years.  Recently, a couple who has been in the neighborhood even longer, decided to move back east to be closer to family.  I wouldn’t say that my parents were ever particularly close with this couple, but they were always very pleasant with one another.  Good Neighbors. 

A few days ago my parents had gone out to run some errands while a moving crew was loading up the neighbors’ belongings.   When they returned home an hour later, the departing couple was standing in the middle of the street, apparently waiting for my parents to say good-bye.  During the conversation, the husband produced a beaten up shoe box.  He explained that he had been going through the attic and found this box which had probably been sitting up there for 20 plus years.   He said he had no use for its contents and my parents were welcome to it they were interested.

The person who comes closest to guessing the actual contents of the box will win a prize.  Well, there won’t really be a prize, but I’ll think you’re pretty cool(Please don’t guess if you know the answer because you’ve already heard the story).  Answers must be submitted by December 7, 2009.  I’ll post the winner soon thereafter.  Enjoy.

Mike Honcho