Every day when I leave work, I have to swipe my parking card to open the mechanical gate that separates me from freedom. I’m pretty good about putting the card in the same spot so I always know where it is, but sometimes it slides around when I’m competing in rally racing (I have a Subaru) or evading the authorities (I’m a badass). The other night, the card was not in its normal spot. When I got to the attendant I explained that I couldn’t find my card and the following conversation took place:
Parking Attendant: Sorry sir, if you can’t find the card, you’ll have to pay $6 to exit.
Me: Okay, I’m going to get out of the car and see if it slipped under the seat, just let me know if someone is pulling up behind me, I don’t want to hold up the line.
Parking Attendant: No problem sir, take your time.
(30 seconds passed before I found it under the front passenger seat)
Me: Got it.
Parking Attendant: Great. Have a nice evening.
Totally normal conversation. It certainly didn’t prepare me for what happened next. In my rearview mirror, I saw the attendent step out of his both, walk into the middle of the roadway, put his hands on his knees and violently projectile vomit. We’re talking SNL skit or Exorcist level spewing. I was about to stop and check on him, when he stood straight up and calmly walked back to the booth without any signs of discomfort or embarassment. No big deal. It was as if he just walked out to have a smoke or water the plants. Wait, maybe he was watering the plants… with his vomit.
I think there’s something poetic about both of you temporarily losing something before snapping back to form. For you, it was a keycard, and for him, the contents of his stomach. It’s almost beautiful.
Well, I guess it’s good that it only took you only 30 seconds to find your keycard and not 1:30. Another minute and your Subaru might have received an impromptu car wash.
I witnessed another example of how people deal with fluids leaving there bodies and thought I’d share it with your readers.
I was in Santa Monica just walking from one place to another. A woman that was walking toward me just casually blocked one nostril and blew out a stream of snot onto the sidewalk. Then proceeded to repeat the picture by doing the same with the other nostril. She casually wiped her nose with her sleeve and continued past me. This was not a homeless person. She was around 40 and was well dressed.
What the fuck?
Who taught her to do this and told her is was o.k.?
You, ok? She learned it from watching you!