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Author: mcsquared

Toylet

Jan13

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Sometimes I wish I had all the money in the world. Not all the time, but this is one of those cases that I would definitely find a way to purchase this and install it in my house. You see, the guys and I have had a contest in the past to see who has the longest (in length of time) urination. Generally this happens on Vegas trips, where we time our stints at the urinals and report back to track the high score leader.

One’s ability to score high is a function of two things. Your ability to hold it until the last possible moment, and your kegel dexterity. There are two camps, though, the kegelers, and the purists who think kegeling is artificial inflation of your score. I can certainly see where the purists are coming from. The Toylet would eliminate the need for that argument altogether, while satisfying both camps with what I think everybody can agree is a fine alternative scoring method.

The whole concept is quite weird, but the icing on the cake is “The North Wind and Her” game, which invites us, basically, to pee the dress off of a girl, in a public restroom. I don’t consider myself super PC, but I do wonder about the message society sends with that one. When I hear of things like this, I often wonder what it was like being in the board room for that proposal.   I also wonder what ideas don’t make it through. Because developing this system would take an entire team of people, designing new hardware, testing, writing software, etc. And it reminds me, sometimes when I have ideas, and then I say “nah, that’s crazy,” maybe I should think twice.

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Workin’ 9-5

Oct4

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

It’s no secret that I do computer repair for a living.  We frequently fix computer viruses.  Every once in a while clients come back claiming that we didn’t fix their computer virus completely the first time.  Usually the client is reinfecting themselves by continuing whatever behavior got them infected in the first place, but they’re usually indignant and blame us.  One such client called today, over a month after originally bringing it in, saying they haven’t even turned on their computer in a month, and when they finally did, it was overrun with pop-ups and unuseable.  Like for some reason we would ignore that behavior and just send it back to them.

He claimed we were scamming people out of money, charging to fix things, but not really fixing them and then charging them again when they brought it back.  Of course when he brought in the computer, he hadn’t cleared his internet history, so we saw that he had been using it daily for the last month.  That in itself is not so noteworthy, it actually happens a lot that clients will lie when they’re too embarrassed to admit their behavior.  What made this one stick out to me was such Craigslist gems in his history as “car bj,” “women seeking men,” and my personal favorite “seeking 6 to 9 cocks to stroke and suck at one time.”

Now, even if they were very small cocks, I contend that 9 is outright ludicrous.  Establishing that stroking is just something you do with your hands, then maybe you could do 2 average sized cocks in each hand, but that’s still 5 for your mouth.  Let’s agree that stroking is different than rubbing.  I think stroking means fingers have to curl around, right?  Even if they were small cocks, I don’t think you could do 3 per hand.  You’d have to form a pyramid of 3, could you do that with cocks attached to hips?  The max on sucking would have to be 4, right?  And they’d have to be long to converge in close enough oral proximity.

Anyway, I like that she/he gives a range, and that 6 is his/her absolute minimum.  If only 5 cocks are showing up, that’s not worth it, because where’s the challenge in that?

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Soul

Jun23

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 15 Comments

There are so many commercials that I hate, when one comes along that I actually like, it’s important that I highlight it.  Today’s is an unlikely candidate in many ways.  In general I hate commercials that animate animals.  I also did not like the previous commercial for this very product which animated these very animals.  In fact, I don’t even like the product.

So what was it about this commercial that made it the exception?

[youtube width=”850″ height=”550″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOHwjjhFTachttps://youtu.be/Lw82Z5HaVC8[/youtube]

Choosing a Black Sheep song immediately lends legitimacy if you’re a hip-hop aficionado.  This is not some poppy song, they’re invoking a vintage hip-hop classic.  It’s a brave choice, but it only pays off if they truly bring it.

Which brings me to the hamsters.  They resist taking the cute road.  No, that would be too easy.  These are no talking dogs with tongues that unravel and eyes that get wide as saucers.  No, these are obese hamsters with phat moves, a much more interesting and challenging choice.  And somehow they just nail it.

I’m not sure how the commercial was created, but it looks like people in hamster suits doing the dance moves, with the faces animated in post production.  The details are just too exquisite to imagine recording through motion capture.  In any case, the dancers and the director made about a thousand great choices, and it shows.

Examples of nailing it:

  • 0:11:  Hamster in green gives a casual point with attitude.
  • 0:17:  I swear I’ve seen the human version of this street drummer, eyes closed to the beat, and if you pay close attention, he’s actually playing the drums accurately, the snare matches up.
  • 0:21:  Hamster in red kicks back to the beat. Lazy animators would have had him just walk up to the car.  Extra touches like this kick it up a notch.
  • 0:23:  Our lead hamster easily could have just pointed to the car, but instead he actually does a dance move to point. He’s incorporating a wave with a little popping and locking, no joke.
  • 0:24:  OK, this hamster has better moves than I ever will.  Look how sad the hamster in the passenger slot of that toaster is. Ears flat against his head indicate they’re getting clowned, yo.
  • 0:33:  Requisite urban barber shop reference.
  • 0:34:  These are definitely people in hamster suits.  Busting a move on cardboard with a boombox is a nice touch, and look at how the fabric and everything moves when he lands.  Note both of them have watches, these hamsters are flossing.  The level of detail in this spot is delicious.
  • 0:35:  This scene obviously takes place in the hamster projects, and note that the dunking hamster is shirtless, an authentic choice.  Although I’m not sure what to make of the completely naked spectators.
  • 0:39:  I cannot explain why, but I swear this hamster is being played by Mekhi Phifer.
  • 0:40:  Leaning back, our lead hamster tosses your attention to the cardboard boxcar with an overhand point worthy of non-animal rapper Snoop Dogg.
  • 0:47:  Lead hamster’s moves are great, but I like Mekhi Phifer in the background just bobbing his head to the beat behind basketball “Hamstar.”
  • 0:49:  Front girl hamster’s arm pumps are hot.  Never typed that sentence before.
  • 0:52:  Head fake.
  • 0:53:  Still clownin’, y’all should park your toaster somewhere else.
  • 0:54:  Sinking into the passenger seat, our lead hamster shows how street he is.

Am I taking this analysis too far?  Maybe.  But this commercial could’ve been done in half the time, with half the effort, and many ad agencies would’ve called that good enough.  So I like to give props where props are due.  Thanks for giving us rich content, Kia and David and Goliath, their ad agency.  And while I don’t believe the Kia Soul actually has any soul, those East Coast Rap Hamstars certainly do.  Anybody else really want a Hamstar hat?

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You What?

Feb15

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

ScreenHunter_03 Feb. 15 22.50

The other day I was driving to work and Porsche Boxster drove by me during my commute.  I noticed this personalized license plate and immediately my brain forked in two different directions, multi-threading.  At the same time I thought, “That’s a Porsche, and Porsche makes a Cayman, but that’s not a Cayman.  Porsche also makes a Cayenne, and sometimes I confuse the two, probably because they start with the same three letters, but that’s also not a Cayenne.”  At the same time I brain wrestled with that, the other half said “Heheheh, he said Cayman U.”

Hands down this is the most vulgar license plate I’ve ever seen, but I’d like to hear your close seconds, or even contenders for first.  Mostly I’m impressed he was able to get this by the DMV.  I picture the groups of snickering prison inmates pressing this plate.  And then I try to stop picturing them as they point to the more timid, mousy, even pretty-mouthed inmates and quote the plate at them.

Did this Porsche owner tell the DMV he went to Cayman University?  Is it a paired plate with his wife who drives a Cayman, whose plate says BOXSTR U and he’s totally unaware?  Finally, is he claiming to have culminated inside of everybody he comes across?

Comes across.

Because the second-person is a cavalier choice. It’s not CAYMNHR, it’s U.  So that’s anybody who reads the plate.  It’s pretty aggressive and also not very picky. It’s far better than BINUPIT.  Does he never take that car when he visits his mom?  I doubt I will ever see a more vulgar plate, so I feel a sense of accomplishment having eye-witnessed it.

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Devalued Word of the Day: Professional

Jan26

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Today’s devalued word epitomizes everything the devalued word stands for, or rather, doesn’t.  You know a word has gone bankrupt when it implies exactly the opposite of the literal definition.

And that’s what has happened with today’s word, “Professional.”  Thanks to descrupled marketers, the word professional is now shorthand for “Hey, let’s be honest. You don’t want to spend that kind of money on a socket wrench set. But you’re in luck, because this is the set that professional socket wrenchers actually buy. And somehow I also cost less than the other ones. Buy me.”

In fact, professional is the moniker that people attach to professions that aren’t.  Chances are, when people tell you they’re a “Professional _____,” it really means “Yes, for a living I do this thing that you never knew anybody could do for a living. I am a professional hula hooper.  And one day I hope to make money doing it.” You never hear people say “I’m a professional doctor” or “I’m a professional police officer.”

One exception I add here is the word “pro,” which is different than professional.  You can be a pro surfer, pro skateboarder, or pro snowboarder and make serious money rivaled only by the unplumbed depths of pussy it also earns.  Until recently I wouldn’t have included pro golfers in this group.

I find it telling that GMC chooses that word to describe their line.  “Professional Grade.” I’m biased against domestic cars, but they did receive 3 bailouts from the government.  Maybe all the professional pickup truck drivers lost their jobs?

So let’s beware the professional moniker until marketers stop being professional swindlers.

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Devalued Word of the Day

Dec3

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

This is the ER for words that have been run over by a marketing Mack truck. Sucked dry of all meaning, nobody even registers these words anymore. They just skip right over them. Even worse, these words have been so thoroughly taken advantage of that they now inspire mistrust in the reader. Instead of their once positive meaning, they now connote the opposite.

Today’s word is “deluxe.”

I drove by a Del Taco advertisement today which peddled their “Deluxe Chili Cheese Fries™.” Let’s pretend, for a moment, that the word “Deluxe” didn’t mean “with onions and tomatoes.” It’s $2.99, Ok? Seriously, there should be rules. Something cannot be deluxe if it costs less than $3. It can’t be deluxe if it costs less than $100. That’s my rule for today to try to salvage whatever self-respect the word deluxe is clinging on to. Trust me, there’s not much left. It’s been trademarked together with the words “Chili,” “Cheese,” and “Fries.”

By Del Taco.

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New Feature for the Lazy

Nov27

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | No Comments

For those of you who would love to read our blog, but don’t wish to waste time typing an extra 13 characters getting here, we’re proud to introduce our alternative route to our musings.  http://n2rh.com will bring you to our lovely slice of the web as effectively as http://n2rh.com.  Of course, I know some of you old schoolers will type out the entire thing.  However you get here, just make sure you do!

Best Website Ever

Nov19

Posted by mcsquared in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

No, not us.  Humans, welcome to our blog. Why not start it off by recommending you visit a different site?  Don’t fret, this one is defunct.  Choosing my favorite site on the interwebs is an impossible task, there’s such range. But TheSpark.com was definitely a top contender. The comic geniuses who wrote for that site were among today’s best. Unfortunately, they sold out, and now all that remains is a shell of their witty style which pitches psuedo Cliff’s Notes for Barnes and Noble’s.

Before they were acquired by iturf, and then later B&N, they were famous for their irreverent online tests (some of which still exist in their original form here, although most were emasculated after the buy-out.  Try the gender test which is amazingly accurate at guessing your gender) and their “Science Projects” which included the Stinky Feet Diaries, the Date My Sister Project, Stinky Meat, etc. Thank God for the Wayback Machine (another best of the web contender) for keeping these classics alive after they were shoved aside for commerce.  Be patient, sometimes it takes a moment to load pages.

Lest I forget, they were also famous for their online cards, whose humor sums up that of the site http://web.archive.org/web/20030210133618/www.thespark.com/cards/

So crappy that things this good always get shafted. I’d think there’d be a market for a site as well written as TheSpark. I’d have paid for a membership. I miss you, thespark.com.

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