I realize I’ve already spent three entire posts on children’s songs, but sometimes I just can’t help myself. This is one of those times, my friends. We have a cd that someone from my lovely wife’s work burned for her, and it’s pretty damn cool. There’s a Ziggy Marley song that I like, a very pretty Arlo Guthrie song, and a song called “Still the Same Me” by a group called Sweet Honey in the Rock that I genuinely like and sing around the house all the time. Well, there’s one more that I heard a few times and thought was cute before I ever really sat down and listened to the lyrics. Upon doing that, my opinion has changed slightly. Allow me to present “If I Ran the World” by John McCucheon.
If I ran the world, everything would change
The food and toy stores would be free
With door to door delivery
Oh, what a party it would be
If I ran the world
Not to start off on such a picky note, but there’s no real position called “World Runner.” Maybe I’m being a typical arrogant American, but I’d guess that our President is probably the closest to that job description. Anyway, this guy’s campaign starts off fairly strong, as free food and toys would certainly be a reason to vote for someone. It would, ya know, cause millions of people to lose their income, but that doesn’t seem to bother the artist. And if all food is free, do we really need the delivery also? I’d happily go somewhere to feed my family for free, not to mention the already increasingly sedentary nature of our society that could benefit from getting out of the house (even if it’s for more food). I’ll give him one point: if there were an unlimited supply of food and toys for everyone in the world, I can imagine that atmosphere being akin to a party…at least at first.
If I ran the world each kid would have a bike
A swimming hole not far from home
A bedroom of their very own
No one would have to play alone
If I ran the world
I have no issues with this stanza at all. In fact, it’s this stanza that let the entire song slip right past my critical ear for a couple of months. What a nice gesture: as World Runner, kids would all have friends and various places to have fun. I support that.
If I ran the world all homework would be banned
Our school week would be just one day
And all the rest we’d have for play
I’d triple every teacher’s pay
If I ran the world
You hear that? It’s the sound of goodwill being squandered. Where shall I start? Banning homework is a clear case of pandering to the children of the world, though if World Runner is an elected position, it would all be for naught since they’re too young to vote. More importantly, why significantly dumb down the world? School once a week and no homework? School isn’t supposed to be everyone’s favorite activity, but it’s obviously necessary. Kids wouldn’t learn to read until they weren’t kids anymore at that rate, so they wouldn’t be able to do homework very well even if it weren’t prohibited. As for teachers making more money: I’m all for that…normally. They should definitely be appreciated more monetarily in our current society. That said, who thinks it’s a good idea to cut teachers’ workloads by 80% but then increase their salaries threefold? You know who: the teachers. He clearly wants the powerful Teachers’ Union backing his candidacy, even at the cost of an upside-down compensation structure. That’s the worst idea this guy’s had yet, even if his heart is in the right place.
If I ran the world there’d be no underwear
I’d never comb my hair
Peace would break out everywhere
Scratch that last thought of mine. Paying teachers too much for little work at least makes sense on some level since many teachers are overworked and underpaid. But who the fuck is clamoring for the eradication of underwear? Is its existence a common gripe that I’ve somehow avoided my whole life? The next line oddly switches to focusing just on our narrator. “I’d never comb my hair,” he says. Sounds like someone’s letting his power go literally to his head. “I run the whole damn world and I don’t like combing my hair so I’m not gonna. Na na na na na na.” Then his supreme logic kicks in and somehow equates “0 underwear + 0 hair combing = Peace.” Not sure I follow you there, buddy. And I’m all for peace, but I think your plan for it needs to be more than waiting for it to “break out everywhere” like a benevolent Ebola virus.
If I ran the world each meal would have ice cream
The faucets would run juice and stuff
The tofu farms would have it rough
And everyone would have enough
If I ran the world
Remember that free food from before? Well guess what, boys and girls…it comes with ice cream! Oh yeah, we’re including breakfast too, don’t you worry. What? You want…water? Nah, fuck that – have more juice and stuff. And don’t worry, there’s plenty more where that came from.
If I ran the world I’d never change my socks
My bedtime would be late at night
There’s always be a hallway light
Whatever’s wrong I’d make it right
If I ran the world
Whatever’s wrong we’d make it right
If we ran the world
We’re back to the narrator owning his statements and gladly telling us that he’d have smelly feet. In fact, he seems very proud of his plan. These next two lines change things just a little, as it tells me that the narrator is either a kid himself or a very sheltered adult. Let’s say he’s a kid; does that excuse the poor choices he made in his campaign promises up to this point? Hell no. Picture the society this guy/kid wants to create. The World Runner has bankrupted an untold amount of companies by making food free yet somehow an endless supply. (Sounds like he’d have to reinstate some sort of slavery to make that happen, but I’m sure he’s thought it through.) Everyone is woefully undereducated and most likely obese with the copious amounts for ice cream, sugary juices, and an endless – and free! – supply of food. What else could make this global society less utopian? Got it – let’s all have dirty feet, unkempt hair, and have our nether regions flap around in our undergarments willy nilly. At least teachers would finally make some dough. And there would theoretically be peace “breaking out,” but even the crunchiest hippies would have to consider at what cost. (Maybe not, as hair-combing and sock-changing may not be too high on their list of daily activities.)
In short (too late for that?), I sure as hell don’t want this person as the World Runner. I think his goals are short-sighted and would ultimately do way more harm than good. Even with the prospect of free, unlimited burritos at my fingertips, I’m afraid I won’t be punching the chad next to John McCutcheon’s name should that day ever come.