Ok, there’s some serious bullshit going on here, so prepare yourselves to get as angry as I am. I’ll build to that though, so get comfy.
One thing I love about my core group of friends is how well we know each other. Dave is my “newest” friend of the group, and I met him in ’96 or ’97, so we all have a ton of history together. None of them would call me up for tips on changing their oil or the fastest side streets to take if the freeway is worse than normal, because they all know far too well that those things aren’t my bag…baby. However, if Dusty doesn’t remember his ex-girlfriend’s birthday or needs an idea for his company’s radio commercial, I expect my cell phone to buzz (and take great pleasure in helping).
I’ve known my friend Lisa for over 15 years, and somehow I haven’t scared her off yet. She forwarded me an email at the end of last month and wrote, “Go for it. Please buy me one if you win. Or two. Or a hot dog, a beer, and one. Thanks.” I scrolled down and saw a contest that a local restaurant chain called “The Stand” was starting: “Name our new dessert, WIN $100 GIFT CARD!” Was I intrigued? Fuck yeah I was intrigued! Not only is that sort of thing right in my wheelhouse (as my dear friend instinctively knew), but their burgers and hot dogs are mighty tasty. Here was the description of the dessert: “A deep fried hot dog bun we sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar turning it into a churro. Then we add a fresh banana and top it with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream and nuts. This dessert is amazing. It’s the ultimate ‘dog’ dessert.” They also said they were launching it under the name “The Stand Split” as a placeholder until after the contest.
I wrote her back with my first stab: “I’m thinking ‘El Perro Frio’ would work, but I might write it without the ‘el.’ (I’d do ‘The Perro Frio,’ except I hate that.) They call it a ‘dog dessert’ but since it’s got a churro-type bun, I think the Spanish works. You like?” I wasn’t in love with it, but I thought juxtaposing a “cold dog” with all of the hot ones on their menu was a nice touch. She replied: “Wasn’t getting the Spanish till you said churro. I like. But anything else?” And you see, folks, that comfort level is the mark of a solid friendship right there. She wanted to be wowed, and now I didn’t want to let her down. I made a joke about calling it “This Shit is Bananas” in my reply before adding this: “‘Ice Cream Bundae’ would work too, right?” Her reply told me everything I needed to know: “Bundae!! Totally. Absolutely.” I went to the site, submitted the name, and wrote her back saying that her hot dog, beer, and bundae awaited her. She said she really felt like it was going to happen, and we spent the next few weeks joking about when we’d get “our” gift card.
Monday, May 23rd, 2011: A day that shall live in bullshitfamy. I got an email from Lisa entitled, “THAT’S BULLSHIT!” Her accompanying message prepared me for the worst: “No freakin’ way, dude.” I scrolled down and saw this steaming pile of crap: “We finally named our new baby…’The Banana Bundae. Congratulations to loyal customers Rhonda W. and Shirley F. for naming our new dessert!” I picked up the phone and called Lisa. “You’re fucking kidding me,” I said. “I know, right?” (She might not have actually said that right then, but she says that a lot so it’s entirely possible.) I was focusing on the fact that they gave it to two people with a similar but inferior name while Lisa added a very salient point: “Nobody calls it a ‘banana sundae.” It’s an ‘ice cream sundae’ or ‘hot fudge sundae.’ ‘Banana bundae’ doesn’t even make sense.” I had forwarded her email to my lovely wife, who right then sent me an online chat: “That’s total bullshit! Whoever heard of a Banana Sundae?” I wrote back saying that Lisa and I were having the same conversation. She replied, “Rhonda W. and Shirley F. suck.” Thanks, baby.
Lisa and I came up with a theory: They really wanted the word “banana” in the title, but liked my entry of “Bundae.” Rather than giving it to me, they combined the two and pretended that other people came up with it. They said “Rhonda” and “Shirley” because that’s their grandmothers’ names, but those people didn’t really submit anything. That way they get the name they like the most and save $100. I don’t fully buy our theory, but we’re throwing it out there. As if I weren’t pissed off enough about this, they listed a few other names that didn’t make the cut. I’ll list them below with my parenthetical thoughts following:
1. The Al-Bun-D. (This could be ANYTHING on their menu. Why would this make sense for a dessert any more than a hot dog or hamburger? The answer: it wouldn’t. I appreciate puns, but “Bun in the Oven” or “The Easter Bun-ny” have the word “bun” in them too and wouldn’t be good dessert names.)
2. Arctic Jungle Puppy. (“Arctic” because it’s cold, fine. “Jungle” because it’s…wait, why is that word there? Lisa said it’s because bananas grow in the jungle. If that’s the case, I think I just pulled a muscle stretching for that pun to make sense.)
3. Churrana-Saurus-Rex. (Go fuck yourself, whoever sent that in. Seriously.)
4. Winning! (Because they thought permanently naming a dessert after an already-dated Charlie Sheen quote that has NOTHING to do with it was a solid idea.)
5. The Dawg House. (How this is any different/better/more relevant than “The Underdawg,” “Dawg Gone It,” or “Let Sleeping Dawgs Lie” is beyond me. Just because the word “dog” is in a phrase, that doesn’t make it a good name for a dessert. Yes, even if you change the spelling to look cooler.)
I honestly don’t know if I’d be more upset if one of those won instead of “Banana Bundae.” Probably not, because I’d be able to tell myself, “Clearly they were looking for something different than what I provided.” Instead, they chose a crappier version of what I submitted and will proudly display it while people pat Rhonda and Shirley on their (possibly fictitious) backs. That, my friends, is some utter and complete bullshit.