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Total recall

They say that smell is the sense most tied to memory, and I tend not to argue with “they.”  However, I have very specific memories associated with sounds that could hardly be stronger.  More specifically, I’m talking about songs and what they conjure up in my crowded mind.

Whenever I hear Sloan’s song called “The N.S.” (which has the great rhyme of, “But if you think that it’s cold when you’re swimming in the ocean/It’s hard to believe you’re a Nova Scotian”), I automatically picture the road on UCSB’s campus that took me from my office parking lot to the freeway.  It’s the first song on the cd and that was the first time I popped it in my car and gave it a listen, so that mental image stuck.  Another song on that album always makes me picture the driveway of the house I lived in at the time (specifically me backing out of it).  If anything from The Postal Service’s album “Give Up” starts playing, various visions of Sacramento and the surrounding area come up (depending on the song).  “El Amor Despues Del Amor” by Argentine singer Fito Paez immediately gives me visions of me lying on my bed in my dorm room in early ’96, listening on a now-archaic Sony Discman.  And when I hear the opening drums of “The Best of What’s Around” by Dave Matthews Band, I usually space out a bit because I’m remembering an entire evening of fun from a while back.

It was the summer of 1995, and my friends and I had just graduated high school.  As a final large group activity, many members of our drama class went with our teacher to Ashland, Oregon for the Shakespeare Festival.  We drove up in a caravan of four or five cars, toured the theaters, saw six plays that ranged from awesome to awesomely bizarre, met a concierge who totally deserves his own post, and generally had a hell of a time.  One thing that Ashland didn’t seem to have was much of a nightlife…at least for 16-18 year-olds.  We’d gone to Lithia Park on one of the earlier nights of the trip to hang out (since it was the only place we knew), but cops showed up not too long after to kick us out.  A night or two later, fellow blogger MC Squared and I asked where we could go get a bite to eat.   “At this time…I think the only thing open is Cafe 24,” said the hotel staffer.  It was probably 10pm, and at home, we would’ve gone to Denny’s or somewhere like that to share appetizers and desserts, but that wasn’t an option in this town.

On the way to his car, we ran into a few other people from our group who decided to join us.  We got to his sporty two-door Mazda and realized that we suddenly had a group of seven people.  “It’s close by. We can fit,” he said, and so we all piled in.  Three people (including me) crammed into the back seat with a fourth person on a couple of our laps at once.  Two smaller females shared the front passenger seat, and once we were all in as best as we could manage, he started the car.  Like that, song number one from DMB’s “Under the Table and Dreaming” album came on.  First the drums, and then the words that caused all of us to instinctively sing along.  Partway through the song, I had one of those rare in-the-moment times when I realized, “Hey, this is an iconic moment of this part of my life.”  I think what did it for me was the line, “Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters.”  Though I had elbows and shoulders jabbing me from all angles, I knew this would be one of those times that I’d look back on fondly.

We got to Cafe 24 and un-gracefully spilled out of the car.  In case the car ride with friends and timely music wasn’t enough for me to remember that night forever, we had a fantastic waiter who made it a certainty.  He must have been stoned; there’s really no other explanation.  In a slow and disinterested tone, he asked us what we’d like to order.  He went around the table and then got to MC Squared, who was having trouble making up his mind.  “I can’t decide between the hamburger and the french toast.  I realize they’re very different, but those are the only two things that really caught my eye.”  A lesser waiter (or maybe a sober one) would’ve paused to consider the differences between those two options and maybe even comment on them.  Instead, our waiter said in a very serious tone, “I say you go with the burger.  Because, when you think about it, french toast is really…just bread, man.  The burger is so much more than that.”  “Wow!” said MC Squared, “That was very convincing!  You totally just swayed me.  I’ll have the hamburger!”

I don’t remember anything about the rest of the meal or the ride back to the hotel.  In fact, I can’t remember any other meals at all from the entire trip (unless you count the Arby’s we stopped at in Lodi on the long drive home).  But every single time I hear the beginning of that song, I’m at least temporarily stuffed in the back seat of a black sports car, traveling in another state, en route to a philosophical lesson about the existential insignificance of french toast.  Top that, smell.

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The customer’s sometimes right

My co-worker Rob (who reads this blog, so watch what you say) sometimes handles things a little differently than I do.  I hear him arguing with people on the phone from time to time, and he likes using phrases like, “Wait wait wait, let me get this straight,” “Hold on, let me make sure I understand what you’re saying here,” and a very sarcastic, “Thanks, you’ve been a great help.”  He now knows that I’m listening when he starts getting that tone, so he said something specifically for me while arguing with someone on the phone last week: “Hold on hold on, are you in customer service?  Then how ’bout you try SERVICING THE CUSTOMER?!”  He knew I’d like that one, and he was right.  That little exchange leads me to two recent incidents involving customer service and people actually servicing the customer…whether they should’ve or not.

In December, my parents bought a two-seater wagon for our adorable twins.  They weren’t yet a year old at the time, so I didn’t open it to try putting it together for months.  When I did, the box appeared to be missing the giant (and very necessary) handle that pushes or pulls the wagon when the kids are in it.  I’m historically bad at seeing things when they’re right in front of my face, so I went back to the box two more times over the next couple of weeks to confirm that it was really missing.  Once assured that I wasn’t situationaly blind, I went to the website of the company that makes the wagon.

The site had an online form for customer service requests, including a space specifically for missing parts.  I wrote a nice email and made sure to mention how we couldn’t wait to use their great product.  They replied the next day with an email saying that if the product was under warranty, they’d send me a replacement one.  I asked my lovely wife about that and she said, “Your parents bought it from Amazon, so I’ll just contact them and see if they can help us.”  After a lengthy online chat with Amazon’s customer service department, we were set.  The only way it could work was for us to send back the whole wagon (on their dime, nicely) and get a new, complete box in return.   That seemed fair enough (since they didn’t carry replacement parts for everything sold on their site), and we went about the process.  As expected, a brand new wagon came in the mail with all of the necessary pieces.  What I didn’t expect was a separate box on another day addressed to me.  I opened it up and found a long plastic handle.  “Per email inquiry,” said the note inside from the wagon company.  My first thought was, “Well that was nice of them!”  Then I thought about it a little longer and had two more thoughts.  First, “They said it needed to be under warranty and I never wrote them back at all.  They took that to mean…it was?”  Second, “Why couldn’t they just tell me that they were sending me a new handle so we wouldn’t have to do the whole Amazon process and have me lug a big box into a UPS Store for no reason?”  Despite those questions, it was refreshing to see a company try to do right by their customers.

The thing about that story as compared to the next one is that I actually deserved the assistance I received.  I can’t say the same for the main character of this next tale.

That same co-worker Rob and I went to the Coffee Bean right near our office a little while ago.  I’m normally a pretty good eavesdropper, but I had missed a lot of the conversation between a customer and an employee, both women in their early 20s.  There was something about an iced drink melting and the employee eventually (but begrudgingly) saying she would remake the drink but “only this one time.”  After we walked out, Rob asked me if I’d heard the conversation.  “Kinda,” I said.  “My best guess from contextual clues was that they called her name to say her iced drink was ready, but she didn’t come in and get it for ten minutes.  Then she complained that it was melted.”  “Oh no,” Rob said, “You missed the best part of the whole thing.”  He went on to recap the whole story (which he’d paid close attention to instead of whatever I’d been saying to him at the time).  The employee made the iced drink, called the customer’s name, and the customer picked it up before sitting down at a table with her friends.  Ten minutes later, she went up to complain that it had melted.  Why had it melted?  Because she sat there holding it for ten minutes outside while talking with her friends instead of, ya know, drinking the damn thing.  It’s the exact equivalent of someone ordering a hot coffee, waiting until it got cold, and then complaining that s/he wanted a new one made because it’s supposed to be hot.  It’s that ridiculous, and yet the employee knew that the end result should always be having a happy customer, so she did her job.

I can’t help but wonder what I would do in those customer service positions when faced with the same situations.  When I think about it honestly, I end up being more of an asshole in both scenarios.  If the wagon owner never replied to say that it was indeed under warranty, I would never think to just go ahead and send the handle anyway.  And if I were that Coffee Bean employee, I would definitely have thrown in some more sarcastic lines about how “actually drinking your drink is where most of the enjoyment comes from.”  One thing is for sure: I would’ve enjoyed hearing Rob play the Coffee Bean employee role.  “Hold on, let me get this straight…”

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The (re)search for truth

I think I’ve recovered from the (totally deserved) shaming I received from my last post.  In fact, I’ve recovered and learned my lesson enough that I’m going to do at least a wee bit of research before concluding this post to shelter myself from more ridicule.  Here goes:

I frequently get lunch from one of the various gourmet food trucks that park on the street right by my office.  They’re great, and I’ve tried a large number of them since this trend started a little while back.  Last week, I was happy to see a Brazilian one that I’ve gone to before.  I’m a creature of habit, so I didn’t even look at the menu as I strolled up and placed my order (a carne asada burrito, por supuesto).  I stepped back as my co-workers ordered.  “What did you get?” I asked one of them.  “I’m trying that new sandwich they have,” she said pointing to the menu on the side of the truck.  Having bypassed the whole menu-looking part of the process before, I followed her finger and read the description of the meal aloud.  “That sounds good,” I said.  I was about to move onto something else when a little spark fired in my brain.  “Wait a minute – it says it comes with ‘pickled cucumbers.’ Aren’t those just called ‘pickles?'”  She cocked her head a little before saying, “Yeah…right?”  “I guess we’ll see,” I said.  Her sandwich came, and sure enough, it was topped with what you and I would just call “pickles.”  The funny thing (to me at least) is that when I first read the description, I had the quick thought that I would order it without those pickled cucumbers.  I pictured them as shredded for some reason and not tasting like something I’d like.  As soon as I realized that they were probably just regular pickles, the sandwich sounded even better to me.  That begs the question: why wouldn’t they just say “pickles?”

Funny you should ask.  I did a little research (old dog, new tricks, yadda yadda yadda) with the always-accurate Wikipedia, and I learned two very important things.  I found an entry for “pickled cucumber,” which said that it is “commonly known as a pickle in Australia, Canada, and the United States or generically as gherkins in the UK.”  I can’t help but notice that Brazil is not on that list, thereby making their menu item of “pickled cucumbers” not only permissible, but downright authentic.  My apologies to the yummy burrito makers.

The second thing I learned made me contort my face and shake my head in a very specific way.  Let’s see if you do the same.  Under types of pickled cucumbers, the last one on the list is “Kool-Aid pickles.”  The description: “Kool-Aid pickles or ‘koolickles,’ enjoyed by children in parts of the Southern United States, are created by soaking dill pickles in a mixture of Kool-Aid and pickle brine.”  Maybe I’m an uninformed Yank making a snap decision here, but that sounds fucking disgusting.  I was doing just fine not knowing about that.  In fact, I might have to rethink this whole “actually looking things up before I write about them” thing.

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Mining for goals

It’s been a week since I last posted something, so I feel like I should again even though I don’t have anything specific to write about.  One goal I had regarding the creation of this blog with a few friends was to avoid that “should” feeling, but here it is again. (If they chipped in here and there, it would probably help.  I’m just sayin’.)  Another goal was to write some shorter, quick-hitting posts so that the activation energy I needed to sit and write was considerably lower than what I needed for my opuses (opi?) on my former blog.  Alas, I’ve fallen into that same trap as well.   I’m gonna try to fix the latter broken goal, as I have random little thoughts from time to time that I abandon because I don’t see how to expand them into larger stories.  Some make their way into my inbox (when I email myself), and those are the ones I’m going to share today.

I found a Blockbuster Video card in my wallet, dated May of 1999.  I threw it out but couldn’t help wondering how many times I’d switched wallets since last using it.  I keep wallets for a while, but there have to have been at least two times that I purposely put that card into a new wallet, thinking it still held some value.  It really wasn’t that long ago that I used it on a semi-frequent basis, but it looked so ancient to me and such a relic of a past life that I might as well have pulled out an abacus.

Someone recently used the phrase “a dime a dozen,” and I actually thought about it for the first time.  If I’m not mistaken, it technically means “ten out of twelve,” denoting a high frequency of occurrence.  Reducing that to five out of six and then doing a little division, I see that’s about 83%.  That got me wondering whether people generally over- or under-estimate when they use that phrase.  My gut says that most people use it when the true percentage is way lower than that.  For example, in the poorly-named high school movie, “Can’t Hardly Wait,” there’s a scene with Jerry O’Connell (known to my mom as Cush from “Jerry Maguire”) in which he says, “Guys like us…we are a dime a dozen.”  He’s referring to the alpha male jock kind of guy rather than the ones who talk about feelings and “ecolomological” crap.  It’s a good scene, but his math is way off.  There’s no way those guys amount for 83% of the male population – not in high school, not in college, and certainly not in the world.  Now that I’ve given it some thought, I think I’d be hard-pressed to find an example in which that phrase wasn’t hyperbolic.  If you disagree or can cite more instances of the phrase, comment away.

When aiming at a target, have you ever pictured the center of it as a real bull’s eye?  Not only did I think about that term in detail for the first time and get a little horrified by the visual, but I’m also confused.  Let’s say I’m hunting with my bow and arrow and a bull comes out of nowhere.  While the real me would shit his pants and run crying like a little girl, the pretend me would load an arrow and fire at its…eye?  That doesn’t seem right to me.  Would that be the magic place to take it down in one shot?  And how did the bull get the “honor” of being singled out for this term?  It seems rather arbitrary, and we could just as easily be calling the center of a target the “duck’s neck” or “bison heart.”  (Also, every time I see it written as “bullseye” from now on, the lack of apostrophe is going to bug the shit out of me.)

Ya know, I think I’ll stop there.  I have more small ones, but maybe I’ll save those for stand-alone posts and get into the habit of mixing long and short ones in here.  Fixing one out of two broken goals is enough for me.  (A dime a score?)

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My troubling inbox

I received an email earlier this week in which the sender wrote, “Hope you had a nice weekend!”  That’s nice of her…except she sent it to me on Thursday.  Thursday!  I feel a bit like an ass if I ask about someone’s weekend when it’s only Tuesday.  I think Wednesday is bordering on ridiculous, but Thursday is undeniably much closer to the next weekend than the previous one.  That said, it was only the third most troubling work email I received all week.

Coming in second place is an email from a company trying to pitch their business.  I opened the attached PDF and noticed a typo in the first sentence…then another in the same sentence.  The second sentence didn’t help matters as it changed from the third-person to the first and then back again.  Two sentences later, I was hit with this gem: “…(company name) is one of the largest independently owned agency’s is a member of the trade organizations…”  Wow.  Hard to say where to begin with that.  The incorrect pluralization probably bugs me the most, followed by the lack of “and” right after it.  I’m also big on hyphenating compound modifiers like “independently-owned,” but I’ve grown accustomed to not seeing that as often as I’d like.  Overall, I was troubled by the way this company put itself out there and felt compelled to alert them to the errors.  I think I did it nicely, but even if I came off as a bit of a jerk, I’m ok with that since someone had to point their shoddy marketing copy out.  It’s all about quality control, folks.  (And just in case you were wondering, the company is indeed a domestic one with native English speakers.)

And this week’s winner comes from an e-newsletter I received.  I haven’t worked with the company that sent this to me before, but I somehow got on their mailing list (probably from attending a conference).  I gave it a quick look and got excited when I saw a section called “Fun Facts.”  Then I read it: “7-11% of the world is Left Handed are you one of those special folks?  Left handed is more common in men then women. Folks that can utilize both hands are called ambidextrous. Only one out of hundred people are able to write with both hands. Raise your hand if you like fun facts!”  I’m going to do something uncharacteristic and gloss over the horrible grammar in every single sentence.  It hurts, but I have bigger fish to fry.  Specifically, the definition of “ambidextrous” is not a fun fact.  It’s a fact – a common, known, and utterly funless fact.  Why not just put that the capital of California is Sacramento or that the square root of four is two?  Those are equally as fun in my book.  You want a fun fact about left-handedness?  Go with the origin of the term “southpaw” and its baseball roots or how Rafael Nadal plays tennis left-handed even though he isn’t a lefty because it can be an advantage on the court.  Write something about how the unflattering words “sinister” and “gauche” are related to lefties.  But for the love of fact-lovers everywhere, don’t just list a common definition.  That’s the opposite of fun for me.

Ok, I’m done ranting for now.  Have a great two weekends ago.

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Required reading

My last post reminded me of a story from my past that has some similarities.  Fortunately, I don’t see myself getting as angry while writing this one.

In my former professional life, I worked at a university doing a few different things.  For about two of those years, I served as an academic advisor for the college office.  A big part of that job was knowing where to find all of the information so that I could direct students to those publications and show them the answers to their questions.  Ya know, the whole “teach a man to fish” thing.  There were four main ones I went to on a daily basis. First was the General Catalog, which had information on all courses offered by the university (including descriptions and prerequisites).  Second was the Schedule of Classes, a quarter-specific publication that said what was being offered then, when those classes met, etc.  Third was the General Education booklet, listing what courses fulfilled what requirements.  And fourth was the Guide to Undergraduate Studies, which had some information on specific non-GE requirements.  The problem with that last one was that all of its info was already in the General Catalog and it also duplicated a lot of items listed in the GE booklet.  Finally, someone had the bright idea to combine the last two.  It made a lot of sense and would save money in the process, so I was all for it.

“But what should we call that new resource?” the college wondered.  Without being asked, I threw my hat in the ring and started thinking up names.  Not only do I really enjoy those kinds of exercises, but I was about to leave the university setting after a total of nine years, and it would’ve meant a lot to me to “live on” via something as silly as a publication name.  I only had one important internal criterion: it couldn’t be anything that would open the door for redundancies.  For example, since I hate when people say “ATM machine” or “PIN number,” I had to make sure the name I came up with would make that abomination impossible.  In practice, that meant that if I were making an acronym, it couldn’t end with “guide,” “booklet,” or “brochure.”  Technically, I wouldn’t want a word like that anywhere in the acronym, because if people had called the Guide to Undergraduate Studies “the GUS guide,” I’d still want to punch them in their inaccurate faces.  With that ground rule firmly in place, I started thinking.  First, I wrote down every word that might make sense to fit into an acronym.  This was all for the College of Letters and Science, so I put those three capitalized words down.  (There was an organization on campus already called CLAS, so that was out of the question – in case you were wondering.)  I put down an R for requirements, G and E for General Education, and a few more until my sheet of paper looked like I was trying to find the bonus answer in the Jumble.  (Somewhere my mom is giving an understanding nod.)

When the dust settled, I had a front-runner: “The LASER,” short for “Letters And Science Educational Requirements.”  I wasn’t 100% on board with promoting the “and” to capitalized status, but I was willing to live with it because everything else worked so well; it was cool-sounding and an accurate representation of what one would find in those pages.  I walked into the Dean’s office and made my pitch.  I was confident, presenting it as if it were hands-down the best option he’d see.  I read it to him and handed him a piece of paper with the name and the spelled-out version.  He cocked his head a little, and I didn’t like that.  Clearly something wasn’t sitting quite right to him.  Was it too modern sounding?  Too science fictiony?  Then he spoke: “I’m not sure about the E.”  I explained that since it had all of the GE requirement plus the University Requirements, the umbrella of “Educational” made sense to me.  “It’s not that,” he said, “It’s just that there’s also an Education Department, and I think that could get confusing.”  I saw his point but didn’t fully agree with it.  Maybe I was naive, but I thought students would be able to differentiate the two.  “What else could we put in that spot?” he asked.  That was a good sign because it told me he wasn’t against the name itself, so we brainstormed together.  “Well,” I said, “They’re all ‘undergraduate’ requirements.  I don’t like the way L-A-S-U-R looks as much, but it would still be pronounced the same way.”  He didn’t really like that one either, even though it fit the bill.  I had an idea, debated internally whether to speak it or not, and then went for it: “What about ‘Academic’ instead?  My only hesitation with that is that I’d still want it to be pronounced like ‘laser’ and not have people say ‘lay zar.'”  He thought for a minute and then said, “Letters And Science Academic Requirements…that works.  Let’s do that.”

The new and improved academic resource wouldn’t be coming out until the following academic year (once I’d already be gone), so I did my part in telling people about the new name and how it should be pronounced.  When the time came to leave, I mentally crossed my fingers and hoped that people would take the right path.  After all, what’s the point in creating an acronym that spells out a real word if the word isn’t going to be pronounced that way?  Well, a year later, my friend Suzanne told me that people were largely calling it the “lay zar” but that she was doing her part in correcting them and trying to right the ship.  That was the last I’d heard of it until my last post reminded me of this story.  I emailed Suzanne and asked for a status report on “laser” versus “lay zar.”  I wrote that my gut told me people probably fell into saying ‘lay zar’ but that I hoped it wasn’t the case.  She replied with two main points: One, she corrects people and lectures them on the right pronunciation but it has little to no effect.  Two, it’s my old L&S colleagues who are to blame.  “They call it ‘lay zar’ ALL the time,” she wrote.  Well that’s just great.

I’m torn in three directions with this whole thing.  On one hand, I’m really pleased that I made a little mark in the world of academic advising after spending so much time and energy engrossed in its minutia.  On the other hand, it bugs me that people are walking around calling it essentially by the wrong name.  And on the magical third hand, I can’t blame them.  It looks like ‘lay zar,’ so if they don’t hear it pronounced the right way from the very beginning, it’s really not their fault.  Should I have pushed for “LASUR” instead of half-heartedly offering it as a suggestion?  I still don’t like the way that looks, but is that more or less important than how it’s said?  I really don’t know.  I guess I should just be glad that people aren’t also being redundant and talking about their “lay zar requirements.”

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That’s bullshit: Contest edition

Ok, there’s some serious bullshit going on here, so prepare yourselves to get as angry as I am.  I’ll build to that though, so get comfy.

One thing I love about my core group of friends is how well we know each other.  Dave is my “newest” friend of the group, and I met him in ’96 or ’97, so we all have a ton of history together.  None of them would call me up for tips on changing their oil or the fastest side streets to take if the freeway is worse than normal, because they all know far too well that those things aren’t my bag…baby.  However, if Dusty doesn’t remember his ex-girlfriend’s birthday or needs an idea for his company’s radio commercial, I expect my cell phone to buzz (and take great pleasure in helping).

I’ve known my friend Lisa for over 15 years, and somehow I haven’t scared her off yet.  She forwarded me an email at the end of last month and wrote, “Go for it.  Please buy me one if you win.  Or two.  Or a hot dog, a beer, and one.  Thanks.”  I scrolled down and saw a contest that a local restaurant chain called “The Stand” was starting: “Name our new dessert, WIN $100 GIFT CARD!”  Was I intrigued?  Fuck yeah I was intrigued!  Not only is that sort of thing right in my wheelhouse (as my dear friend instinctively knew), but their burgers and hot dogs are mighty tasty.  Here was the description of the dessert: “A deep fried hot dog bun we sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar turning it into a churro.  Then we add a fresh banana and top it with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream and nuts.  This dessert is amazing.  It’s the ultimate ‘dog’ dessert.”  They also said they were launching it under the name “The Stand Split” as a placeholder until after the contest.

I wrote her back with my first stab: “I’m thinking ‘El Perro Frio’ would work, but I might write it without the ‘el.’ (I’d do ‘The Perro Frio,’ except I hate that.)  They call it a ‘dog dessert’ but since it’s got a churro-type bun, I think the Spanish works.  You like?”  I wasn’t in love with it, but I thought juxtaposing a “cold dog” with all of the hot ones on their menu was a nice touch.  She replied: “Wasn’t getting the Spanish till you said churro.  I like.  But anything else?”  And you see, folks, that comfort level is the mark of a solid friendship right there.  She wanted to be wowed, and now I didn’t want to let her down.  I made a joke about calling it “This Shit is Bananas” in my reply before adding this: “‘Ice Cream Bundae’ would work too, right?”  Her reply told me everything I needed to know: “Bundae!! Totally.  Absolutely.”  I went to the site, submitted the name, and wrote her back saying that her hot dog, beer, and bundae awaited her.  She said she really felt like it was going to happen, and we spent the next few weeks joking about when we’d get “our” gift card.

Monday, May 23rd, 2011: A day that shall live in bullshitfamy.  I got an email from Lisa entitled, “THAT’S BULLSHIT!”  Her accompanying message prepared me for the worst: “No freakin’ way, dude.”  I scrolled down and saw this steaming pile of crap: “We finally named our new baby…’The Banana Bundae.  Congratulations to loyal customers Rhonda W. and Shirley F. for naming our new dessert!”  I picked up the phone and called Lisa.  “You’re fucking kidding me,” I said.  “I know, right?”  (She might not have actually said that right then, but she says that a lot so it’s entirely possible.)  I was focusing on the fact that they gave it to two people with a similar but inferior name while Lisa added a very salient point: “Nobody calls it a ‘banana sundae.”  It’s an ‘ice cream sundae’ or ‘hot fudge sundae.’  ‘Banana bundae’ doesn’t even make sense.”  I had forwarded her email to my lovely wife, who right then sent me an online chat: “That’s total bullshit! Whoever heard of a Banana Sundae?”  I wrote back saying that Lisa and I were having the same conversation.  She replied, “Rhonda W. and Shirley F. suck.”  Thanks, baby.

Lisa and I came up with a theory: They really wanted the word “banana” in the title, but liked my entry of “Bundae.”  Rather than giving it to me, they combined the two and pretended that other people came up with it.  They said “Rhonda” and “Shirley” because that’s their grandmothers’ names, but those people didn’t really submit anything.  That way they get the name they like the most and save $100.  I don’t fully buy our theory, but we’re throwing it out there.  As if I weren’t pissed off enough about this, they listed a few other names that didn’t make the cut.  I’ll list them below with my parenthetical thoughts following:

1. The Al-Bun-D.  (This could be ANYTHING on their menu.  Why would this make sense for a dessert any more than a hot dog or hamburger?  The answer: it wouldn’t.  I appreciate puns, but “Bun in the Oven” or “The Easter Bun-ny” have the word “bun” in them too and wouldn’t be good dessert names.)

2. Arctic Jungle Puppy. (“Arctic” because it’s cold, fine.  “Jungle” because it’s…wait, why is that word there?  Lisa said it’s because bananas grow in the jungle.  If that’s the case, I think I just pulled a muscle stretching for that pun to make sense.)

3. Churrana-Saurus-Rex. (Go fuck yourself, whoever sent that in. Seriously.)

4. Winning! (Because they thought permanently naming a dessert after an already-dated Charlie Sheen quote that has NOTHING to do with it was a solid idea.)

5. The Dawg House.  (How this is any different/better/more relevant than “The Underdawg,” “Dawg Gone It,” or “Let Sleeping Dawgs Lie” is beyond me.  Just because the word “dog” is in a phrase, that doesn’t make it a good name for a dessert.  Yes, even if you change the spelling to look cooler.)

I honestly don’t know if I’d be more upset if one of those won instead of “Banana Bundae.”  Probably not, because I’d be able to tell myself, “Clearly they were looking for something different than what I provided.”  Instead, they chose a crappier version of what I submitted and will proudly display it while people pat Rhonda and Shirley on their (possibly fictitious) backs.  That, my friends, is some utter and complete bullshit.

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A big difference

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the parking lot at work with my co-worker Rob when I stopped and pointed at a car.  “I hate that,” I said.  “What?” he asked.  I read the offending license plate frame aloud: ” “There’s a difference between cutsie and artistic.” I read it as it looked to me, pronouncing the word as “cut see” instead of what I assumed meant to be “cutesy.”  What bothered me the most about it was attitude I heard behind those words.  Essentially, I read it as, “You might think you’re being artistic, but I’m a true artist and I know that your stuff is a big step down from what I consider art.  And go fuck yourself.”  The fact that there was a typo in it frustrated me to no end.  “If you’re going to be an asshole and put people down, at least spell all seven words correctly,” I told Rob.

A month or so ago, we interviewed someone for a position in our office.  When she left, I said that it was nice to meet her (which I meant).  Once the door closed, Rob told me that I actually knew of her before that interview.  She used to work at a different office in our same lot, he said, and she had a license plate frame that bothered me.  “Not the cutsie one!” “Yep,” he said.  “Well shit…I kinda liked her,” I replied.

Fast forward a little more, and she’s now hired and a part of our team.  Four of us were walking to pick up some food, and I remembered about her and her car.  I couldn’t hold it in (or to cite myself, I “spit my tongue“) and told her out of the blue, “I have a problem with your license plate frame.”  “Oh yeah?  Why’s that?” she asked.  She had a weird tone to her question that made it sound like she’d heard that several times before.  “Well, I believe there’s a typo on it,” I said.  “I agree,” she said.  “Huh?”  Then she told me her story.  Apparently, she took a photography class in college, and the final project was to have a picture that signified a song.  She chose “People Are Strange” by The Doors, and had cut-out faces in and around a picture of raindrops.  Some faces were partially obscured, and others were not, and it sounded to me like it really embodied the “faces come out of the rain” line.  Her professor disagreed.  When she got the project back, it was marked with a C and adorned with a note that said, “There’s a difference between cutsie and artistic.”  She and her friends thought it was hilarious that the professor had misspelled a word in her condescending note, so she immortalized it by getting it as a license plate frame.

“Well now I like it a whole bunch more,” I told her.  “All this time I thought you were the bitchy one with poor spelling.”  She laughed and said that she has to explain it to a lot of people.  At least I’m not the only one who’s been fulish.

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That’s bullshit: Election edition

Earlier this week, I got the mail and was surprised to find two “Official Sample Ballots.”  “There’s an election coming up?” I asked my lovely wife.  “I have no idea,” she said.  So I opened mine up to see who and what were asking for our votes.

Page 1 has a table of contents and a big box telling me that the location of my polling place is shown on the back cover.  Page 2 has “Instructions to Voters,” explaining that I have to vote correctly or the Precinct Ballot Reader may have me re-fill it out.  Page 3 has illustrations on how to use their “Inkavote Plus” system, because history has shown that people are morons and can/will do anything incorrectly if given the opportunity.  Page 4: “Steps to Make Sure Your Vote Counts.”  These are important steps like, “Be informed,” “Know where to vote,” “Get your ballot,” and “Be careful.”  Heavy stuff going on there.  Page 5 shows the two people running for “Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 5” for the Los Angeles Community College District.  I had no idea that that was an elected position, yet that wasn’t the most surprising thing on the page for me.  No, that honor goes to what appears below the box with the two candidates’ names: “END OF BALLOT.”

I turned the page to make sure they weren’t shitting me, but just found a “Voter Bill of Rights,” important telephone numbers, and information on how to vote by mail.  So yeah, they’re serious alright.  One thing to vote on in the entire sample ballot.  No offense to Ms. Gutierrez or Mr. Svonkin who are vying for this position, but I don’t think the need to lock up Seat No. 5 outweighs the time and money it takes to create, print, and mail these ballots.  This isn’t a special election to recall our Governor or anything, it’s a frickin’ seat on a board of trustees for the community college district.  I’m sure that’s very important to some people, but can’t it wait for the next election and be filled by some Interim Seat No. 5 person in the meantime?  That just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I like voting.  It’s a privilege and I like being a part of the process.  That said, I’m not participating in this election, and I can’t imagine that too many people will.  I’m hoping that other districts have multiple items on their ballots and that mine is unique for having just the one, but that doesn’t change my opinion.  There should be someone with the common sense to single out districts like mine to assess the importance of the ballot measures/seats and say, “No, that can wait.  They won’t vote on anything this time around, and we’ll save that printing and postage money for another time.”  But 8 pages of information sent at least once to every household for a single, fairly inconsequential position?  That’s bullshit.

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What’s in store

It was early for most people, but since I’d already been up for a couple of hours with our kids, it felt more like ‘late morning’ to me as I arrived at Trader Joe’s.  I got the very first spot in the parking lot, which reminded me of the day’s true time.  I got my cart, put my brought-from-home bags in it, and walked inside.   Less than a minute later, I heard an older woman say this to a TJ’s employee: “I can’t find anything since you moved everything around.”  Quite earnestly, the employee replied, “Would you like my help locating something?”  “No,” she said, “I’ll find it.”  Then she walked away.  I laughed to myself about that interaction and thought it would probably be the most interesting one of the shopping experience.  But my cashier had other plans.

There were three open checkout lanes, and each had one customer nearing the end of the transaction.  One customer brought out a checkbook, so fuck that one.  The second cashier seemed to be bagging pretty slowly, so I got into the third lane.  “Did you check the eggs?” the young man behind the register asked the customer.  “Yes, thank you,” she said.  “They’re eggceptional,” he replied.  He glanced over at me, and I shook my head at him.  You see, I consider myself a punster and therefore have (shopping) carte blanche to express my likes and dislikes of puns.  I had a little smile, as if to say, “Oh man, that’s a bad one but I’ll give you props for trying it out.”  He must’ve taken my look and shaking head to mean, “I wholeheartedly approve of what you’re doing and would feel cheated if you didn’t continue down this path o’ puns.”

“I hope they’re eggsactly what you were looking for,” he added.  The customer smiled and continued loading the bags into her cart.  Undeterred, he continued: “I’m not eggsaggerating!”  She smiled again, and he added a timely and appropriate one: “You’re egging me on.”  I offered an approving nod for that one, proving that I hadn’t given up on him yet.  He made a joke to her about liking his job, especially since they don’t do drug testing.  It fell pretty flat, so he went back to what he thought was his bread and butter: “Those bags are heavy, so you butter lettuce help you out.”  I liked the play on words, but considering she didn’t have lettuce there, it didn’t quite work for me.  Still undeterred, he followed up with his worst of his shtick: “I’m really milking this!”  I shook my head again and added some closed eyes this time, clearly stating my inner monologue of, “That was a bad one and you should’ve probably quit a while back.”

The lady left and it was my turn to face the famed punning cashier of Trader Joe’s.  We greeted each other and while he was scanning my items, he asked if I had any awesome plans for the weekend.  “Not really.  I just plan on willing the Lakers to another victory tomorrow night,” I said.  “Yeah, that was a good game last night,” he said.  “It was all me,” I told him, “I sat in the right position and wore the right shirt.”  He laughed, and I mentally patted myself on the back for illustrating that I had more than puns in my repertoire.  “I write the Lakers a lot of letters, but they never write back,” he said.  I smiled, though I was unsure of where he was going with this.  “Seriously,” he said, “I’ve written them a bunch of times and haven’t even gotten a ‘Thank you for your letter’ email in response.  At least the Green Bay Packers gave me that to thank me for being a fan.”  “That’s too bad,” I said (and I really sold it).  He then picked up the mini watermelon I was buying.  “I have meloncholy,” he said.  “Ya know, if you had a picture of a collie to hold up next to it, you’d be a regular Carrot Top,” I said.  I didn’t mean that as a compliment, but he smiled and thanked me with some bad carrot pun that I fortunately can’t remember.

Everything fit in the two bags I brought except for some milk and chicken broth.  He grabbed a paper bag for those items and said, “There’s not too mushroom in your bags.”  As with the butter lettuce comment, there were no mushrooms involved, so my appreciation of the pun was dampened by the lack of relevancy.    That said, it was still a high note after some of the other ones, and I was happy to see him go out on top.  But he just couldn’t help himself.  “Oh broth-er,” he said, pointing to the chicken broth.  I gave a polite smile, and we wished each other nice weekends.

Overall, I appreciate what that guy brings to the table.  Sure, there were some groaners and forced lines in there, but he was like a comedian trying out new material at some small clubs before his Comedy Central special.  The next time someone actually has butter lettuce or mushrooms, he’ll be ready and get genuine smiles or even laughs in return.  He was honing his craft, and there’s no problem with that. I hope he appreciated my non-verbal feedback and would rather I express disapproval than not carrot all.

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