And by “gross,” I wish I only meant 144. Instead, I’m using that adjective to describe an anonymous person’s bathroom habits. I suppose I should add a disclaimer saying that I’m going to talk about some nasty things (in case the title didn’t clue you in), but please bear in mind that reading about this unfortunate occurrence pales in comparison to actually experiencing it.
I work in a building that has one male and one female bathroom per floor. A little while after I started, the male bathroom (which is the only one I frequent – why, what have you heard?) started to get noticeably messier. This meant more than one’s fair share of willy-nilly urinating, forgotten flushes, and balled-up paper towels thrown on the floor in a corner where apparently people thought a trashcan should be. It’s not a huge bathroom (three urinals and two stalls), so this made a big difference in my use of the facilities.
After several complaints, two main changes were made. First, a small trashcan was placed in the aforementioned corner. Second, the door’s hardware was changed so as to require a code. Why’s that? Because the prevailing theory on the increased messiness was that people from other floors were coming to ours to relieve themselves. (That’s because we routinely saw people we didn’t recognize leave the bathroom and walk over to the elevator. Those are some crazy detective skills, I know.)
For a while, everything got better. The new trashcan was being used, and I stopped having to peer into a stall to check for collateral damage before entering to do business of my own. Then it happened. I was standing at the left-most urinal one morning when I noticed something on the wall right in front of me. “Is that…a booger?” I wondered (possibly aloud). Yes, yes it was. I know this because there were two or three more next to it on the wall as well, and they all looked exactly like you would expect. “That’s disgusting!” I thought or said.
Over the course of the next several months, The Booger Bandit struck again and again. I’d guess about once every week or two. It’s possible that it happened more often but was taken care of by the cleaning crew that tidies up throughout the day. I don’t know why I’d never brought it up to my co-worker Rob, but I did one day after I was pushed too far. Smeared boogers near my face while I’m dealing with a variety of bathroom smells is one thing, but when they’re also tinged with blood, I’m compelled to speak. (Yes, I’m well aware of how gross that is. That disclaimer’s making even more sense now, eh?) “Hey Rob,” I said, “Have you ever noticed that someone appears to be wiping boogers right above the urinal?” “Yes!” he said, with the kind of happy relief normally reserved for people realizing that they’re not crazy. (“You hear those whispers too? Thank the lord!”) “What’s wrong with that guy?” I asked. He had no answer, but I kept going: “I guess I can almost understand it happening once. Let’s say you’re peeing, and you have one of those kinda sharp boogers up high in your nostril and you just have to get rid of it. You do, but then you realize that you have nowhere to put it. So there you are, your dick in one hand, and a booger in the other. Forced to make a choice, you smear it on the wall in front of you. Maybe you meant to clean it up but forgot, maybe not. I can buy that happening once based on a poorly-planned nose pick. But the second time, it’s no mistake. And every time after that, well, that’s just fucked up.” He agreed, but seemed a little concerned that I’d put so much thought into it.
So what can I do? I don’t think taping a sign that says, “Please don’t smear your sometimes-bloody boogers on this wall” will do anything except possibly encourage copycat Booger Bandits. I don’t know most of the guys who regularly use the bathroom, so I can’t just slyly mention it to everyone I run into while I’m in there. I’m at a loss, and I’d appreciate any suggestions. All I know is that I’m fed up, and this type of behavior snot appropriate for the workplace. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)
Turns out BBB (bad bathroom behavior) is an epidemic! check your emails for proof!
At my old office building, there was a small Asian man that rented the smallest office available. It was probably no larger than 8X6. One morning I was walking by his “office” as he opened the door and I got a glimpse of what was inside.
1) Sleeping Bag
2) Newspapers
3) Pizza Box
4) Dirty Clothes
Apparently this office was now his home. I didn’t think much of it, but over the next few days we noticed him in the bathroom brushing his teeth, washing his hair in the sink and sometimes sleeping in the community break room. The bathroom now had this awful and rank smell.
My boss eventually notified the building, who notified the police, and our squatter was forceably removed from the premises. Boogers are gross, but I am not a fan horrible stenches and body hair thrown across the room either. We eventually went to different floors to do our business, so maybe those rouge visitors to your bathroom have some homeless guy in their’s and are just feeling displaced.
Dev, thanks for the separate email. If you’re feeling brave enough to share, I think the N2RH readership could handle it 🙂
And Kev, I understand your point, but I counter with this: When you went to other floors to do your business, did you piss everywhere, stop flushing, and leave paper strewn everywhere? I didn’t mind the extra people who used it, just the complete lack of consideration for my floor’s space. That said, it looks like the BBBBBB (Bloody Booger Bandit with Bad Bathroom Behavior) is either from my floor or got the code from someone. I’m gonna start shielding the code all spy-like from now on just in case.
Maybe you could put up a cheerful, attractive board of some kind that reads “please deposit unwanted boogers here”.
Firstly, Kevin, I salute your Freudian semi-entendre “rouge visitors” comment. Graphic.
Secondly, I wish we had a better word for boogers than boogers. I feel like most other words have evolved beyond first grade, but boogers and their paraphernalia, snot and such, have for some reason escaped contemporary linguists for generations. Does anybody else feel like they should be wearing pajamas with feet on them when they say “boogers?”
I can think of 3 possibilities, and I’m not sure which is most disturbing.
•There is a man in your office who is unaware that this behavior is unusual
•There is a man in your office who is trying to fuck with people like you, finding where their breaking points are and daring you to react.
•There is a man in your office whose shits are so violent, bloody boogers explode out his nose with each shit. Also, his shits are bright purple. The color is so distracting that he’s never noticed the collateral nasal graffiti.
Finally, I agree with Laynie’s positive reinforcement tack. It immediately makes me think of the wanted boogers, and their unknown fate.