I was in a check-out line at Trader Joe’s recently, and the guy in front of me just had that douchey air about him. You know what I’m talking about, right? Maybe it was canvas loafers with no socks that screamed, “I’d rather be at my yacht club right now, har har har,” but something just really didn’t rub me the right way. Then I listened in to the rather one-sided conversation he was having with the cashier:
Douchey McGee: You don’t carry margarine here, right?
Cashier: Yes, we have some.
Douchey McGee: Oh, well butter is so much healthier and natural that I wouldn’t expect you to carry margarine.
Cashier: (smiling) Well, we do.
Douchey McGee: Did you know that margarine is naturally black in color? It’s true; they add food coloring to make it look more like butter.
Cashier: I didn’t know that.
As I sat there questioning the veracity of his statement, she handed him his receipt, thanked him for coming in, and wished him a pleasant rest of the day. I stepped up and faux-apologetically said, “Sorry I don’t have such interesting tidbits to share.” She gave a large sigh of relief and said (surely breaking the friendly TJ’s code), “That is more than fine with me. Did you hear what he was complaining about?” “Margarine?” I offered. “No, before that. He was complaining that he had been on vacation for three weeks and so it was difficult for him to get up at 10am this morning.” We agreed that his plight didn’t garner too much sympathy, wished each other well, and parted ways.
When I got home, I went online to fact-check his margarine origin story. Wikipedia tells me: “Margarine naturally appears white or almost white.” That makes much more sense. More importantly, that guy was wrong with the trivia he brought up in the first place. So if you’re scoring at home, that’s a douchey air about him, complaints regarding a three-week vacation, and false spontaneous trivia. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I won’t be asking to hang out on that guy’s yacht anytime soon. Har har har indeed.
har har har
I wonder if the guy behind you in line engaged the cashier in a discussion about the “sympathetic eavesdropper” that had just left.
Why does he laugh like a pirate?
Because he was arrrrrogant? No, that doesn’t work. He wore arrrgyle socks? Shit, I already said he wasn’t wearing socks. He was arrrrgumentative? Except he wasn’t. Because he appreciates fine arrrrt? Maybe. Oh, I know: Because he was talking about marrrgarine. (That’s the best I got right now.)