{"id":679,"date":"2011-09-07T19:11:13","date_gmt":"2011-09-08T02:11:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nothingtoreadhere.com\/?p=679"},"modified":"2011-09-07T19:11:13","modified_gmt":"2011-09-08T02:11:13","slug":"truly-frightening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/?p=679","title":{"rendered":"Truly frightening"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Hello, friends. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last posted, but I’m sure my fellow bloggers kept you well-entertained during my absence. What’s that? Not a single post from any of them? Well then, looks like I have some serious catching up to do. I have a few ideas that (time permitting) I’ll put to e-paper and hopefully win your attention back. Here’s a quick one:<\/p>\n

I was driving home last weekend from a trip to Home Depot when I passed a sign on the fence of a community college that read, “Fright Fair Haunt. Open Auditions for Actors.” My first thought was regarding how much I hate those things. Seriously, walking through a maze or a haunted house knowing that there are people around each corner or lurking in the shadows who are being paid to scare the shit out of me just isn’t my thing. I’d scream like a little girl if they jumped out at me, and that just wouldn’t be good for anyone. I don’t really understand my reaction; I mean, I know on a rational level that no one’s going to actually hurt me or anything while I’m there (even the guy with the hockey mask and chainsaw), but I still get tense and freaked out with those things.<\/p>\n

That wasn’t my point though. The more interesting thing (to me at least) was my second thought: I should totally go and audition. Not in the normal way, mind you, but with my own personal touch. Here’s how I see it playing out:<\/p>\n

I enter a small classroom and nod hello to the people sitting in the chairs a few feet away, waiting to judge me. I had just left the waiting room, where after signing in, I sat there with people decked out in all sorts of masks, costumes, and fake injuries. Me? I’m wearing a polo shirt tucked into some khakis.<\/p>\n

Casting Agent: Hi, thanks for joining us. So you’re…”P-Dawg” it says.<\/p>\n

Me: That’s right. Nice to meet all of you.<\/p>\n

Agent: Ok, so what we’re going to ask you to do is show us a few of your own scary things that you would bring to the Fright Fair Haunt.<\/p>\n

Me: Sure, are you ready?<\/p>\n

Agent: Fire away.<\/p>\n

(I crack my neck and get into character before looking up. Instead of making a monstrous face or anything like that, I look respectable and kind but with a little touch of sadness behind the eyes.)<\/p>\n

Me: I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to lay you off.<\/p>\n

Agent: What?<\/p>\n

Me: We’ve had a rough year and just aren’t hitting our numbers. We need to cut some costs, and management has decided to downsize the personnel.\u00a0 I can offer you a month’s pay and try helping you with job placement, but we just can’t keep you on here. And…scene.<\/p>\n

Agent: Oh, well, ok. I guess…um, what else have you got?<\/p>\n

(I shake out my arms and look up again, this time a little more business-like but with eyebrows slightly raised and lips a bit pursed to signify concerned understanding.)<\/p>\n

Me: Yes, that is definitely herpes. And while there’s no cure for herpes, there are ways to keep the flare-ups at bay and lead a normal, active life.<\/p>\n

Agent: Wow, ok. Wasn’t expecting that. (nervous laughter) Anything else?<\/p>\n

(I pop up with a quick, frenzied look)<\/p>\n

Me: Bachmann’s poll numbers are rising!<\/p>\n

Agent: Alright, I think-<\/p>\n

Me: You’re being audited.<\/p>\n

Agent: That’s more than enough for-<\/p>\n

Me: Lindsey Lohan’s your kid’s new bus driver.<\/p>\n

Agent: Ok-<\/p>\n

Me: There’s a wasp on your neck.<\/p>\n

Agent: Thank you, P-Dawg.<\/p>\n

Me: “Mad Men” got canceled.<\/p>\n

Agent: Please leave or I’ll call security.<\/p>\n

Me: And…scene. Thank you all for your time and I look forward to working with you.<\/p>\n

Agent: Whatever.<\/p>\n

A small part of me really wants to do this.\u00a0 At the very least, I’d stand out, right?\u00a0 And now I turn to you, loyal readers: what other lines could I have in my arsenal?\u00a0 Comment away!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hello, friends. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last posted, but I’m sure my fellow bloggers kept you well-entertained during my absence. What’s that? Not a single post from any of them? Well then, looks like I have some serious catching up to do. I have a few ideas that (time permitting) I’ll put […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[173,204],"class_list":["post-679","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-audition","tag-fright"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/679","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=679"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/679\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":692,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/679\/revisions\/692"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=679"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=679"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=679"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}