As you probably know (from knowing me in person), I’m a very recent father of twins.\u00a0 I’m a bit of a planner, so in the last stages of my lovely wife’s pregnancy, I tried to imagine what life would be like and the types of interactions I’d have with people as Daddy P-Dawg.\u00a0 This one never crossed my mind though:
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\nMy son had a circumcision on our last day at the hospital.\u00a0 It wasn’t the easiest thing to watch, but I told him that he’d never remember it and that he was now “part of the club.”\u00a0 It’s a shitty initiation to be sure, but whatever.\u00a0 After we left, we realized that the hospital staff forgot to give us the petroleum jelly we’d need to clean his currently-tiny member.\u00a0 So I hopped in my car and took a quick trip to the store to get some (along with my required tortillas and cheese).
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\nI walked up and down a few aisles before I asked an employee where I might find some petroleum jelly.\u00a0“What?” she asked, with a face that couldn’t have been more confused.\u00a0 “It’s\u00a0like Vaseline,” I said, hoping that a name brand would help her recall its location in the store.\u00a0 Instead, she said, “Oh” and looked at me like I was a pervert.\u00a0 I briefly thought about explaining the real reason I needed it but figured that might actually\u00a0make things\u00a0worse.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 She told me that aisle 6 would probably be the right place for it because “that’s where those sorts of things are.”\u00a0 I\u00a0walked over there and quickly saw a grouping of condoms and various sexual lubrications.\u00a0 I kept walking past that section, hoping that my product wouldn’t be stored there.\u00a0 I looked around for a while but didn’t see it, so I asked someone else.\u00a0 “Oh yeah, aisle 6 about halfway down on the right side by the Band-Aids.”\u00a0 I was pleased to hear the “right side” part, since the Trojan and KY products were on the left.\u00a0 I went back and found the little tub I’d been seeking.\u00a0 I paid, came home, and made a quesadilla before attending to my little guy’s little guy.
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\nI certainly didn’t expect anything to play out quite like that in the first few days of fatherhood.\u00a0\u00a0I should’ve known better though;\u00a0you can’t spell “petroleum pervert” without Peter Peter, after all.<\/p>\n
p.s. I also never expected to have this thought:\u00a0 “I think I’ll wear that shirt, since spit-up would blend in pretty nicely.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As you probably know (from knowing me in person), I’m a very recent father of twins.\u00a0 I’m a bit of a planner, so in the last stages of my lovely wife’s pregnancy, I tried to imagine what life would be like and the types of interactions I’d have with people as Daddy P-Dawg.\u00a0 This one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[68,67],"class_list":["post-306","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-circumcision","tag-vaseline"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=306"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":307,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/306\/revisions\/307"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=306"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=306"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/n2rh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=306"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}