Posts Tagged shower

Don’t name that tune

We recently co-hosted a couples baby shower for fellow blogger Mike Honcho and the expecting Mrs. Honcho.  Co-host Lisa put me in charge of the games for the shower, so I spent some time looking online and trying to think up two easy and not stupid ones.  It was harder than I expected since almost everything online sounded god awful, disgusting, and/or moronic, but I think we ultimately succeeded.

One of the games was a Jeopardy-esque “answer and question” extravaganza.  We had guests write out answers to specific pre-written baby-related questions, and then I read those answers aloud.  The parents-to-be would confer and then guess the questions – nothing mind-blowing but pretty solid, right?  Well I was particularly excited about one of the questions: “What song shouldn’t you sing to your baby?”  If I had been given this card, I probably would’ve gone with “Afternoon Delight” for its wholly inappropriate subject matter.  And I would’ve been wrong.  This is one of those rare times in which I think there is an absolutely correct answer, and Mrs. Honcho’s sister’s boyfriend nailed it.  “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails is the song, and it’s 100% perfect.

If you know the song, you’re nodding in agreement.  If you’re my mom, you’re foolishly still thinking that “Afternoon Delight” would’ve been a good answer.  Well Mom, most people know “Closer” as the “I wanna fuck you like an animal” song, since that line is repeated – and later screamed – several times in the song.  It begins with, “You let me violate you/You let me desecrate you/You let me penetrate you.”  (On the plus side, you can’t spell “penetrate” without Peter.)  And it’s not just the words; the song’s hard, electronic beat is the antithesis of a lullaby.  It’s perfect, and I was a little upset with myself for not thinking of it first.

Naturally, I spent the next day trying to one-up or even match that choice.  The easy path is picking any gangsta rap song, but I’m going to argue that those are off limits since they’re not “sung” and the question specifically used that verb.  It’s too bad, because Ice T has a great selection, including “Cop Killer” and “LGBNAF,” which stands for “Let’s Get Butt Naked And Fuck.”  Surprisingly, I think “LGBNAF” is actually more melodic than “Closer,” with softer beats and fewer…angry whispers.  I then switched to other inappropriate content and thought about “Fuck Her Gently” by the rock comedy duo known as Tenacious D.  Great song, great lyrics, but once again it’s actually kinda pretty if you don’t speak English.

Sure, there are heavy metal songs that are just non-stop loud screaming, but if I can’t understand the lyrics, then they don’t seem as bad.  To me, “Closer” has it all and is the undisputed correct answer.  Rarely in life do I find things that make me say, “Yes – that’s the absolute perfect choice,” but it happened on that day.  Maybe the movies are right, and the miracle of bringing a new life into this world really can help people see things clearly.

Tags: , ,

Degrees

Some years ago, I lived in a tiny apartment in Santa Barbara with my lovely wife née fiancée née girlfriend.  The main room was big enough for an ugly couch, a particle board wardrobe used as a hall closet of sorts, a coffee table, and a table we used as a television stand.   That last item came in handy when I bought a t.v. that I saw on sale at Circuit City.  It wasn’t anything fancy by any means, but it was bigger (and newer) than the one we’d been using up to that point. 

The t.v.’s brand was Apex, which was close enough to Acme that it made me laugh on several occasions.  That wasn’t the best thing about it though; nay, the best thing had to do with its volume.  If I ever wanted to get a laugh out of fellow blogger MC Squared (who lived next door to us at the time), all I had to do was turn the volume from 0 to 1  Level 1 was louder than it should’ve been.  Way louder in fact.  I think 0.5 would’ve still been too loud if it existed, and 0.25 probably close to right.  “Come on!” MC Squared would yell while cracking up.  “That’s 1? How can that be 1?  That’s impossible!”  It got him every single time, and I can’t blame him.  As I mentioned, the place was really small, so volume control actually mattered.  My lovely wife would often go to bed before me, and if I were watching t.v. or playing video games with MC Squared, sometimes 1 was actually too loud.  I tried putting a rolled up towel against the speaker a couple of times, but it didn’t make much of a difference; the power of volume level 1 would not be denied.  In the end, I’d play games on mute occasionally or just be ready with the mute button if the show I was watching looked like it was about to break out into a gunfight.  Still, it was pretty ridiculous to have to take those measures because my television was incapable of having just a wee bit of volume.

I thought about that old t.v. this morning while in the shower.  I realize that might sound a little strange, but please allow me to explain.  You see, the shower in the master bathroom of our new house has interesting controls.  There are two handles, and each only turns one quarter of a turn.  That 90-degree turn makes it go from nothing to full hot (or full cold).  I’m used to two to four twists of a knob to get the water flowing, so this feels strange.  In my mind, a quarter turn should get a trickle going, not be the most extreme turn possible.  In any case, I usually turn the hot on and leave the cold alone.  I like hot showers, and it’s almost always the right temperature for me without touching the cold handle.  Every so often though, it’s a little too hot and I want to take it down a notch.  Today was one of those days, and here’s why I thought of my old t.v.: I barely touched the frickin’ cold handle before it was already colder than I wanted.  I tried moving it back just a smidgen, but I guess I went too far and turned the cold off completely again.  I tried once more but was met with the cold water equivalent to volume level 1.  In the end, I did a little tap-tap-tap to make incremental movements to just slightly cool the water.  I was eventually successful after a few trial and error runs, but I felt a little silly having to resort to those measures.  I checked, and the shower handles were not made by Apex, Pinnacle, Summit, Zenith, or any other synonym of Acme. 

Yes, I realize that it’s probably easy to fix that problem, but that’s not my point.  My point is that I can’t be alone in wanting things that don’t only go from 0 to 60, so why would they be made that way?  Do they make microwaves that are unable to heat under a minute?  Are there bowling alleys that only carry 6 and 16 pound balls?  Do steakhouses only offer “rare” and “burnt” as cooking options?  One thing is for sure: I’m hungry after thinking about steak.  Peace out.

Tags: , ,

Itsy bitsy problem

I was in the shower at some point today (time honestly has no meaning for me right now), and a strange thing happened.  I was wetting my hair when out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something on my arm.  I looked a little more closely and saw a small brown spider sitting there.  I violently shook my arm and made a sound that probably resembled, “Hunnnhhhhh!”  With my heart racing a bit, I looked again to make sure it was gone.  Nope, it was still there.  But this time I saw that it wasn’t actually a spider, but rather my arm hair.  Yep, I mistook…myself for a spider. It’s hard to explain, but somehow just a few hairs were wet and pushed up against the grain in a fashion that made them look exactly like a spider and its legs.  Well, to me at least.  I think I need a nap.

Tags: ,