If you know me, then you know that I tend to look at license plates on the road more than the average driver.  If it’s a good vanity plate, I’m quick to praise the driver.  But if it’s a poorly constructed one that doesn’t adequately get the message across (or uses a number for a letter in some moronic fashion), I’m even quicker to chastise its creator.  Needless to say, I’ve set the bar pretty high, which is why my own plate is not of the vanity variety.  I’d put too much pressure on myself to make it perfect, so I’m cool with my meaningless numbers and letters.

Last week, however, a colleague of mine asked if I could help him create a plate for his new vehicle.  He’s a funny and boyish guy who happens to be loaded, so this wasn’t an ordinary task.  He recently purchased a fully tricked-out Escalade, complete with a tv in the back and limo-like passenger seating.  He’s only going to use this new vehicle when he has a driver take him and a group of friends somewhere.  (Sounds like a nice option, eh?)   When I came into his office, he had the DMV site up and a picture of a plate that read, “1PLAYA1.”  “Do you like that?” he asked.  “Well,” I said, “I can see what you’re trying to do, but to me and to most of our state, that will look like ‘beach’ in Spanish instead of a hip version of ‘player.'”   He saw what I meant, even if he didn’t fully agree.

The website will tell you instantly if something is available or not, so we spent a little time on it.  If he was set on having “Playa” in it, I first suggested, “YO PLAYA.”  He loved it, but someone else must too, because it was taken.  What about, “PLAYAAA” I asked?  He liked it, but not enough (even though it was available).  “Maybe something with ‘pimp’ in it,” he said.  “I’m sure most of those are taken, but let’s try it out,” I replied.  Of course, almost all versions of “Big Pimpin'” were taken, much to his dismay.

I then recalled that he likes to refer to “keeping the pimp hand strong,” that is, how to maintain his male dominance in a relationship.  (Please note: while this sounds absolutely horrible, violent, and demeaning, he uses the phrase metaphorically and – to my knowledge – does not actually strike anyone.  It’s more like, “Your wife handles all of your finances?  That’s no way to keep the pimp hand strong.”)  With that knowledge, I had more options to play with.  “Ooh, there’s a special plate that allows you to use symbols, like a star, plus sign, or…a hand.”  We went back to the plate-selection page. As hilarious luck would have it,  the plate with the hand is the “Kids” one with a little drawing on the bottom and gives money to the Child Health and Safety Fund.  Perfect for pimps, right?  So I motioned for him to move, sat down at his desk, and made a plate on the screen to say, “DA PIMP (Hand).”  He thought it was awesome, but once again, it was already taken.  He suggested “DU PIMP (Hand),” but I didn’t like that at all.  We finally agreed that “D PIMP (Hand)” still got the point across, and if people didn’t understand the hand part, it would still look like “D PIMP” to them, which he felt was cool enough by itself without the second meaning.  This time, it was available.

He clicked on the next page, and we encountered an unexpected wrinkle: A box to explain the license plate’s meaning.  “Crap,” I said, knowing the game was likely up.  “No, you can do this,” he said.  “Come up with something brilliant.”  “No pressure,” I added.  So I sat there for a few seconds before a light bulb went off and I started typing: “People Inspiring Minors through Prayer (P.I.M.P.) is an urban organization that lends a helping ‘hand.'”  I’ve known this guy for a couple of years, and I’ve never seen him laugh as uncontrollably as he did after reading that.  It was the prayer part that brought him over the edge, naturally.  “I still doubt that’s gonna get through the censors,” I said.  “Ya know, unless you quickly create a website for that made up organization.”  I was kidding, but I could tell that he was considering it.  Instead, he called his girlfriend to ask her opinion.  She loved the idea (which means they’re a good match, I suppose), but asked if he’d ever be using the vehicle for business and/or charity events.  He probably would, he told her, and “D PIMP (Hand)” was off the table.

I’ll still try to help him come up with something that is cool but not wholly inappropriate.  Ya know, like “(Heart) MY HOES.”  What?  He’s an enthusiastic gardener!

Tags: license plate, pimp hand