A couple of weeks ago, my kids’ classes had a field trip to watch a Berenstain Bears play. And while I could probably go on for a few thousand words about the play itself, I’m just going to take a deep breath instead and try my best to forget it. No, fuck that – a couple quick complaints before I get to the point of this post.
First, they didn’t look like fucking bears! The one thing I prepared my kids for was that the people on stage were going to be dressed as bears. Nope, just fake bear ears and some fur on their shoes – that’s it. So when they walked out on stage, the very first emotion that my (and many other) kids experienced was good old disappointment. Way to go, assholes. (At least I got to make a joke about them having the right to “bear arms” to my lovely wife, who rightfully shook her head at me.) The second thing I’ll say about it should tell you all you need to know about the quality of the performance. At one point of the play during a shoehorned-in storyline about eating healthy food, Mama Bear says to Papa Bear, “You’ve got so much fluff on your tummy that you’re gonna bust your pants!” There were a couple of low chuckles in the packed theater. Then she launched into a song that – if memory serves – consisted almost entirely of repeating, “You’ve got so much fluff on your tummy that you’re gonna bust your pants.” Thankfully it ended at some point. But wait, there’s more! For the curtain call, guess what they went back to? Yep, everyone’s favorite song about barely bear-clad people having fluff on their tummies. So in their minds, this was their best work and it deserved a reprise. Whew, I feel a little better now. Here’s what I planned on writing about:
So there we are, hundreds and hundreds of small children and parents, filing into a theater. It was so clearly obvious that this was for a children’s play that I went the other way and thought, “What’s the least likely thing that this group would be here for?” Why would I think about that? Because I was preparing myself to make a joke to the next usher I saw, and because I’m Peter. Hi. My first thought was Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus. Not just because it’s a very bloody and violent play, but because it has this famous stage direction: “Enter…Lavinia, her hands cut off, and her tongue cut out, and ravished.” I loved the idea of pretending that I thought our group was there to see that play, but it required a certain level of knowledge on the joke recipient side that I wasn’t banking on. And “Andronicus” isn’t easy to say.
We were almost to the door and I saw one final usher on our path, so I had to make my decision quickly. Something came to mind and I went with it: “So this is the line for Equus, right?” I got the worst possible response to an attempt at humor: “Excuse me?” Because nothing is funnier than repeating an obscure joke that already had about about a 30% chance of working! I repeated myself and got a half-smiling, half-confused look. My lovely wife chimed in with, “He’s just making a joke.” She nodded, and we were off to our seats.
I still think that choosing the full-frontal, horse-blinding play by Peter Shaffer was a good call, but I realize my main flaw: I foolishly stuck to plays just because I was at a theater. I could’ve chosen any number of events, from concerts (i.e. Insane Clown Posse) to movies (i.e. “Caligula”). Regardless, whatever I chose in jest most likely would’ve still been better than hearing a song (twice!) about the superfluous amount of god damn motherfucking fluff on their non-ursine tummies. I’m ok.
