Archive for August, 2011


I’m generally a very nice guy, but sometimes my inner asshole comes out without any notice.  That totally didn’t sound right, but what am I going to do, hit the backspace key or something?  Maybe capitalizing it would help.  My Inner Asshole made a surprise appearance this morning during my commute, in fact.  (Nope, didn’t help.) I was driving along at a moderate speed when I saw a bumper sticker on a car one lane over.  It was still a pretty good distance away, so all I could initially read was, “My Nephew.”  “What, is your nephew an honor student or something?” I thought.  Don’t get me wrong: I love my nephew to pieces, but I can’t see  myself affixing something to my car that says how proud I am of him.  My Inner Asshole kept going: “Maybe he or she doesn’t have anything to be proud of in his or her own life and is vicariously living through a sibling.  It’s like the ‘My German Shepherd is Smarter than your Honor Student’ shit people try pulling.  No it’s not; it might be smarter than a Maltese or something, but until it stops barking when you accidentally put your glass down too hard on the table, it’s really nowhere near the intelligence of even a dumb kid.”  Then I got closer to the car and took in the whole message: “NAVY. I Proudly Support My Nephew.”

Oh.  I forgot about that option.  What an asshole My Inner Asshole is.

Tags: ,

Revenge of the words

I was walking to lunch with my co-workers a week or so ago when one of them mentioned the word “bookkeeper.” I wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation, but I jumped in nonetheless. “You know what’s cool about the word ‘bookkeeper,’ right?” I asked. “You can’t spell it without ‘Peter?'” asked my boss, knowing me far too well. “No,” I said, “but it does have three set of double letters in a row.” I got some nods and grunts, though no one seemed too impressed by that. “There’s no T in it, otherwise you could spell ‘Peter,'” I added. “I was being facetious,” my boss replied. “Ooh! Know what’s cool about the word ‘facetious?'” I asked (way too excitedly).  My co-worker Rob’s face lit up: “Oh, oh, you’ve told me this one before.  Crap…it has…all five vowels?”  “Not just that – they’re in order!” I said.  Instead of the applause or pats on the back one would naturally expect for having such knowledge, my boss simply asked, “What about Y?”  I was ready for that: “Facetiously!”  I got a better nod that time, though it’s quite possible he muttered something like “He’s so strange” under his breath.

Needless to say, I love shit like that.  Someone once told me that “stewardesses” is the longest word you can correctly type with just your left hand.  I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I certainly just had fun putting it in that last sentence.  If you have more word trivia like these, comment away and know that I’ll enjoy them. If you just feel like typing the word “stewardesses” as your comment, that’s also fine.

(By the way, I’m proud to say that my first name is all on the top line of letters on the keyboard.  You’re clearly in the presence of greatness.)

Tags: ,