For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried making seemingly ordinary parts of my life more fun. Why just brush your teeth when you can make faces in the mirror at the same time? Why pass unfamiliar street signs without trying to make puns with their names? And why change diapers normally when you can include laser and/or explosion sounds (or narrate the events in a bad Irish accent)? These things may seem small or insignificant, but they can eventually add up over time to me simply having more fun than other people. While I suppose a big part of this is that I’m easily entertained, I also have to think I’m trying a lot harder than most others.
Well friends, I have something new and after running it by a few people at work, I’m ready to enrich your lives. Ask yourself this question and try to answer it honestly: Since you go to the bathroom to urinate dozens of times a week, wouldn’t it be nice if that process were even a smidgen more entertaining? Spoiler alert: the answer is “Aw hell yeah.” I’m serious about this, and if I do anything that often in my life and I’m not making it even remotely fun, then I think I’m failing in that aspect of my life.
So I developed something I call “Showcasing,” and I can use it the majority of the time that I go to the bathroom at work (which is where I spend a good deal of my hours). It’s best utilized in that environment because having a urinal makes it significantly easier since no aiming is necessary. Oh, and I do this when there’s no one else standing next to me. I’ll do my best to describe this, though I’ll happily pantomime in person if you know me and remember to ask.
Step 1: Extricate the member from the pants and optional undergarments. Step 2: Before the flow of urine starts, take the hand that would normally hold said member and gesture toward it. This is a very specific gesture, one that combines the “voila” of a model/actress on The Price is Right and the slightly slower version that a magician might use to draw attention to the card levitating above his other hand. Step 3: With the tip of the “showcasing” hand’s fingers about an inch away from the member, wait about one second before allowing the urine flow to begin. Step 4: Slowly, confidently look from right to left and back again. Incorporate small nods and a slightly inquisitive look. The inner monologue should be something close to, “Are you seeing this? Are you watching what’s going down here? Pretty damn impressive, right?”
That, my friends, is Showcasing. Stupid? Abso-fucking-lutely, but does it make a normal activity that I do often entertaining instead of completely mundane? You bet your sweet ass it does.
This came up at lunch yesterday with my boss and co-workers, naturally. (We fortunately have no boundaries when it comes to conversation there.) The only young lady of the group asked, “Can I do it too?” Ooh, a dilemma/challenge. I thought about it for a while out loud, and she agreed with me that the whole “not seeing it happen” part was a problem when it came to the ladies. Undeterred, I came up with a new way for women to make urinating a wee bit more fun as well.
Step 1: When seated, look up and off to the side, eyebrows raised and slightly squinting. The inner monologue should be, “I’m getting a strange sense that something’s about to happen.” Step 2: Begin urinating. Step 3: Nod with slightly pursed lips with the inner monologue of, “Yep, I totally nailed that.”
She said she’d try it later, but she forgot the only other time she went to the bathroom that afternoon. I asked my lovely wife to try it out last night, but she only half-heartedly obliged. “How’d it go?” I asked eagerly. “I couldn’t really do it; I just felt silly.” I’ll keep working on her.
In the meantime, I’d like to ask all of my readers to try this at least two or three times and comment on how it alters your peeing sessions. I also need a new name for the lady version. Prognosticating? Divining? Let me know what you think. Oh, and don’t expect me to share all of my fun-increasing life secrets – consider this one a gift. You’re welcome.