In my last post, I wrote about the high school class called Educational Career Planning that took up ten weeks of my life. I left one important thing out though: my teacher. He was a nice enough guy, as I remember, with the unfortunate surname of Oring. At the time, I thought I was very clever when I’d write notes to MC Squared and refer to “my teacher Mr. (B)Oring,” but I’m not as proud of that awesome wordplay now. Instead, I’m frustrated by my poor timing. You see, I took that class in 1993, and in 1997 a little move called “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” came out. Pay careful attention to Tom Arnold’s line at around 35 seconds into the clip: “Don’t force it; you’re going to blow out your o-ring.” I didn’t have that line in my arsenal until four years too late, and that really bothers me. “(B)Oring” was the best I could do? Sadly, that appears to be the case.
You might be thinking, “Why do you care about a joke you didn’t make almost 20 years ago?” Because, friends, it’s not alone. I have two more, so I could chart this shit like it’s a frickin’ trend of me missing the joke boat. Come with me back to the time of junior high. I had some classes with a guy whose last name was Nowfar (pronounced “NO-far”). We were friendly enough that I went to his bar mitzvah, which is a whole other post I’ll get to sometime. We stopped going to the same school in 1991, but it wasn’t until at least a dozen years later that I realized I could’ve called him “Big Chief Nowfar” the entire time. I knew that stupid joke about a Native American not being able to pass gas back when I met him too, so I don’t have any excuse other than a lack of imagination. I could’ve subtly called him “Chief” for two years without him knowing why and laughing internally each time, but noooooo, I had to go and just call him by his actual name instead. Stupid kid.
This last one truly pisses me off. I was out to lunch with some co-workers last month when I saw someone from high school who I hadn’t seen since graduation in ’95. As I greeted her, she looked me up and down (like the piece of meat I am) and said, “You’re a man now!” I rather liked that confirmation. Anyway, the point here is that her last name is “Naficy,” pronounced “nuh FEE see.” See – it’s so damn obvious that I don’t even have to tell you what jokes I somehow neglected to make in my youth. I spent 6 years in classes and even hanging out socially with her, and I didn’t make one single joke about her last name sounding like shit. I honestly don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. Did my desire for/fear of girls overwhelm other parts of my brain? That’s my best guess at this point, but either way, I can’t help but be disappointed in my younger self. (And I just realized this second that all three jokes I didn’t make have to do with the butt. Maybe I just had an ass joke deficiency.)