Five thoughts that occurred to me in the middle of the night while waiting for a bottle to heat up:
- My Spam folder for my work email makes me nervous. After I select all of the crappy emails, I need to confirm that I indeed mean to permanently delete them. However, there’s no such confirmation needed if I accidentally hit the button next to “Delete” which reads “This is not junk.” So every single time I go to clear out my spam, I get a little nervous that I might end up mistakenly saying, “Sorry, Spam Filter, but I would love it if you could please send the fake Rolex, university degree, penis enlargement, and debt consolidation emails directly to my inbox from now on.”
- I feel like people in movies don’t react properly to lightning and thunder. I’ve never once seen a person say, “Ooh, that was a big one. Did you see that one?” And with particularly large bolts of lightning, I get ready for some large corresponding thunder, but I don’t see anyone doing that on the big screen either. (By the way, I didn’t enjoy typing “thunder” after seeing the team of the same name throttle my hometown Lakers in the last game. The series is still tied, but come on Lakers, it’s time to wake up and put them away. Exert your will, or some other shit that Phil Jackson would say.)
- I got a line from the poem “To His Coy Mistress” by Andrew Marvell in my head somehow in the middle of the night. I used to have it memorized (for a class, of course), and though it’s been over a decade, I think I still have a bunch of it floating around somewhere in there. I should look it up and give it a read. Great poem, and one that with the proper instruction I think could get a lot of high school students into poetry. “So this one’s about a guy who’s trying to convince a chick that they should bone.” You’re telling me that won’t perk up a few students’ ears?
- Here’s a thought I never had before becoming a father: “Everything was going great until she shit all over herself just before midnight.” Oh wait, I have had that thought before: Cabo, ’01. Now that was a party!
- My friend who is getting married next weekend asked me to choose a song to be played during my introduction to the reception. Just 15-20 seconds, he said. I gave it way too much thought before settling on the opening beat to “You Know My Name, Look Up the Number” by The Beatles (who must’ve been stoned out of their gourds when they recorded that one). I came up with another song in the middle of the night and then quickly discounted it. Alkaline Trio has a song called “My Friend Peter,” which would be cool in theory, but might not fit the setting too well. I’d have liked to pick a part with the titular phrase in it (heh heh, “titular”), but even a ten-second clip would have this to say: “I’d much rather be drinking anyway with my friend Peter who lives so fucking far away.” No way to make that work, so I’ll keep it as it’s set and just get a little strut on to the music of some high British folk.
Have a good day, everyone. May all your bottles warm quickly.
