Archive for April, 2010

In the wee hours

Five thoughts that occurred to me in the middle of the night while waiting for a bottle to heat up:

  1. My Spam folder for my work email makes me nervous.  After I select all of the crappy emails, I need to confirm that I indeed mean to permanently delete them.  However, there’s no such confirmation needed if I accidentally hit the button next to “Delete” which reads “This is not junk.” So every single time I go to clear out my spam, I get a little nervous that I might end up mistakenly saying, “Sorry, Spam Filter, but I would love it if you could please send the fake Rolex, university degree, penis enlargement, and debt consolidation emails directly to my inbox from now on.” 
  2. I feel like people in movies don’t react properly to lightning and thunder.  I’ve never once seen a person say, “Ooh, that was a big one.  Did you see that one?” And with particularly large bolts of lightning, I get ready for some large corresponding thunder, but I don’t see anyone doing that on the big screen either.  (By the way, I didn’t enjoy typing “thunder” after seeing the team of the same name throttle my hometown Lakers in the last game.  The series is still tied, but come on Lakers, it’s time to wake up and put them away.  Exert your will, or some other shit that Phil Jackson would say.)
  3. I got a line from the poem “To His Coy Mistress” by Andrew Marvell in my head somehow in the middle of the night.  I used to have it memorized (for a class, of course), and though it’s been over a decade, I think I still have a bunch of it floating around somewhere in there.  I should look it up and give it a read.  Great poem, and one that with the proper instruction I think could get a lot of high school students into poetry.  “So this one’s about a guy who’s trying to convince a chick that they should bone.”  You’re telling me that won’t perk up a few students’ ears?
  4. Here’s a thought I never had before becoming a father: “Everything was going great until she shit all over herself just before midnight.”   Oh wait, I have had that thought before: Cabo, ’01.  Now that was a party!
  5. My friend who is getting married next weekend asked me to choose a song to be played during my introduction to the reception.  Just 15-20 seconds, he said.  I gave it way too much thought before settling on the opening beat to “You Know My Name, Look Up the Number” by The Beatles (who must’ve been stoned out of their gourds when they recorded that one).  I came up with another song in the middle of the night and then quickly discounted it.  Alkaline Trio has a song called “My Friend Peter,” which would be cool in theory, but might not fit the setting too well.  I’d have liked to pick a part with the titular phrase in it (heh heh, “titular”), but even a ten-second clip would have this to say: “I’d much rather be drinking anyway with my friend Peter who lives so fucking far away.”  No way to make that work, so I’ll keep it as it’s set and just get a little strut on to the music of some high British folk.

Have a good day, everyone.  May all your bottles warm quickly.

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A little late

32 years, 9 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days. That’s how long it took me to realize that “Peter’s Digest” would be a good name for something of mine. I don’t know if I would’ve used it for a blog, the name of a journal I kept for a class back in college, or the title of a collection of gloomy high school poems.  Regardless, I can’t say I’m terribly pleased with myself right now for taking so long to think of that.  Oh well.

That’s bullshit: News edition

That's Bullshit!I went to CNN’s website today to make sure that I hadn’t missed any huge news in the past little while.  Boy was I wrong!  My eye leapt to this majorly important headline: “Study: Materialistic people less liked.”  I don’t know what I find more preposterous: the fact that people spent money on a study to tell us something that everyone already knew was true, or that CNN thought that those unimpressive findings were newsworthy.  I imagine some CNN staffer had to think, “That’s really fascinating.  When people value objects more than personal relationships, it has a negative reaction on the way that they’re viewed by their peers.  Who knew?  I hope we have room on the front page for this.”  Regardless of how it went down, that’s bullshit!

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Itsy bitsy problem

I was in the shower at some point today (time honestly has no meaning for me right now), and a strange thing happened.  I was wetting my hair when out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something on my arm.  I looked a little more closely and saw a small brown spider sitting there.  I violently shook my arm and made a sound that probably resembled, “Hunnnhhhhh!”  With my heart racing a bit, I looked again to make sure it was gone.  Nope, it was still there.  But this time I saw that it wasn’t actually a spider, but rather my arm hair.  Yep, I mistook…myself for a spider. It’s hard to explain, but somehow just a few hairs were wet and pushed up against the grain in a fashion that made them look exactly like a spider and its legs.  Well, to me at least.  I think I need a nap.

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The sling’s the thing

bottles of beerOk, I promise that everything I write from this point on will not solely focus on my new kids, but I thought this was funny and wanted to share.

I got up early to watch the babies while my lovely wife got an ENTIRE HOUR OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP. (It’s in all caps because it’s rare enough that it deserves some special distinction.) In any case, our daughter seems to be the better sleeper so far and she definitely has a quieter cry/yell, so I was more concerned with keeping our son quiet during that time. I put on a sling thing that our very-helpful postpartum doula showed me how to operate and began bouncing on a ball with him in the kids’ room. He wasn’t super happy, so I started to walk around with him strapped to my chest. This worked better, especially when I was talking to him. What can I say, I’ve got some dulcet tones.
I thought, “Even though it’s an entire hour, if it works, maybe I should just keep doing laps around the house and talking to him. That way I get some cardio in also.”  Then I wondered, “But what the hell do I talk about for an hour straight?” I started with my Best Man speech for my friend Jason’s wedding that’s taking place in three weeks. That only lasted about 6 minutes because I didn’t have to stop for uproarious laughter. I’m budgeting about 45 minutes for the actual speech, of course. But I still had a bunch of time. “I know,” I thought, “I’ll sing to him. That’s a constant use of my voice and serves all of my purposes.” 

Ah, but what to sing?  I wanted something that I could keep doing the whole time, but nothing repetitive that would have me going crazy after only a few minutes.  (There are still 93 frickin’ bottles of beer on the ball?)  I settled on picking an album that I’d know well enough to keep going from song to song.  Naturally, the first one that came to mind was “Dookie” by Green Day.

This was hilarious.  I know he doesn’t understand words yet, so I didn’t change any of the lyrics up to make them Rated G.  I just went with it.  That left me with singing to my week-and-a-day old son about getting high (“Burnout”), someone blowing himself up and taking people with him (“Having a Blast”), and boredom-induced masturbation (“Longview”) before I even got to song number five.  I can hear the Father of the Year committee members already knocking.

I think I’ll start with Weezer’s “Blue Album” next time, which is just as melodic to sing but without the same amount of dicey subject matter.  Or maybe I should go all the way with this thing and get him started on “Big Lizard in my Backyard” by The Dead Milkmen.  The songs are short, so it wouldn’t take me too long to get to “Violent School,” “Takin’ Retards to the Zoo,” “Junkie,” and “Right Wing Pigeons.”  Knowledge is power, right?

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New dad thoughts

As you probably know (from knowing me in person), I’m a very recent father of twins.  I’m a bit of a planner, so in the last stages of my lovely wife’s pregnancy, I tried to imagine what life would be like and the types of interactions I’d have with people as Daddy P-Dawg.  This one never crossed my mind though:
 
My son had a circumcision on our last day at the hospital.  It wasn’t the easiest thing to watch, but I told him that he’d never remember it and that he was now “part of the club.”  It’s a shitty initiation to be sure, but whatever.  After we left, we realized that the hospital staff forgot to give us the petroleum jelly we’d need to clean his currently-tiny member.  So I hopped in my car and took a quick trip to the store to get some (along with my required tortillas and cheese).
 
I walked up and down a few aisles before I asked an employee where I might find some petroleum jelly. “What?” she asked, with a face that couldn’t have been more confused.  “It’s like Vaseline,” I said, hoping that a name brand would help her recall its location in the store.  Instead, she said, “Oh” and looked at me like I was a pervert.  I briefly thought about explaining the real reason I needed it but figured that might actually make things worse.    She told me that aisle 6 would probably be the right place for it because “that’s where those sorts of things are.”  I walked over there and quickly saw a grouping of condoms and various sexual lubrications.  I kept walking past that section, hoping that my product wouldn’t be stored there.  I looked around for a while but didn’t see it, so I asked someone else.  “Oh yeah, aisle 6 about halfway down on the right side by the Band-Aids.”  I was pleased to hear the “right side” part, since the Trojan and KY products were on the left.  I went back and found the little tub I’d been seeking.  I paid, came home, and made a quesadilla before attending to my little guy’s little guy.
 
I certainly didn’t expect anything to play out quite like that in the first few days of fatherhood.  I should’ve known better though; you can’t spell “petroleum pervert” without Peter Peter, after all.

p.s. I also never expected to have this thought:  “I think I’ll wear that shirt, since spit-up would blend in pretty nicely.”

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